noun re·cov·ery \ri-ˈkə-və-rē, -ˈkəv-rē\
: the act or process of becoming healthy after an illness or injury :
the act or process of recovering
: the act or process of returning to a normal state after a period of
: the return of something that has been lost, stolen, etc.
This is where I am now.
Trying to get something back that was lost-stolen. Stolen by alcohol. Of course, without knowing, I really gave it away.
Trying to return to a “normal” state – whatever that is!
It’s hard. I keep reading about markers in this process.
Day One. Pink Clouds. The first month. 60 Days. 100 Days. PAWS
I can’t say that I have experienced Pink Clouds.
While it hasn’t really been hard to not drink, I certainly haven’t felt the euphoria that many describe.
I also don’t think I experienced immediate withdrawal symptoms.-
Well, I was a bit (a lot!) irritable at first.
I think I went straight into PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawl Symptoms).
And I’m still there.
For weeks I felt foggy, depressed, tired-just kind of out of it. Trying to reign in my mind.
Trying to remind myself that I am in a process.
I kept reading about 60 days being a big turning point for many.
I didn’t quite believe it. But, I will say, that at 60 days, some of the fog lifted. I can feel that something has shifted a bit.
Having said that, I can’t say I feel great.
I’m exercising- not manically like I have in the past. Nice long walks. I live in the US in a warm climate so have had some beautifully warm days recently.
I eat a pretty healthy diet-and did while drinking. Vegetarian-well Pescatarian. At the most, 2 coffees a day-and yes! some sugar-not excessive, but a bit of ice cream at night-(have you tried the Salted Caramel with Truffle Gelato? which I eat out of the carton WITH a demitasse spoon!) and maybe a chocolate chip cookie in the afternoon. Hey, it’s still much less than all the bottles of wine I was consuming!
I haven’t lost any weight-but haven’t gained any so that’s a good thing. While I don’t think I would be considered overweight, I could lose a couple of pounds.
But, again, I am trying to not focus on that. Only on that I am trying to heal my body.
And my mind.
I realize that after all the years of drinking (45!) and starting at 15, I have some serious neurological recalibrating to do.
OMG! What if I have stunted myself and am at a 15 year old level now? And my 15 year old level is much different than a 15 year old now. I’m talking 15 years old in 1971! That’s like being a 3 year old today!
Because I was so young when I started drinking, I’m not even sure of what was lost that is in the process of being recovered.
I read something recently and in it was a line that really struck me.
“ I can do another drunk but I can’t do another recovery”.
I get it.
While I can’t say that I am anywhere near feeling great, I do know that I do not want to start over and go back down the road I’ve already traveled.
So, I look forward to the next marker that is mentioned so often-100 Days.
And in the meantime, I’m just gonna keep on keeping on …knowing that whatever comes and however I feel, it’s way better than dealing with all the baggage that comes with drinking.