On The QT

I’ve been doing this on my own.
Getting sober.
I don’t know what’s keeping me from telling anyone.
I haven’t really told my SO (significant other).
Not that he wouldn’t cheer me on. And, not that he hasn’t noticed.
How could he not notice that I’m not hiding a glass of wine by my side in the evening?
How can he not notice that we are now eating much earlier because I’m not in the kitchen dragging out making dinner just so that I can drink?
How can he not notice that I’m not slurring my words, or passing out early or remembering the whole TV show or movie that we watched the night before?
My SO must notice-because he very rarely drinks. When he does, his favorite drink is maybe a half shot of dark Rum in a tall glass with lots of ice and diet Coke-and unless we’re out, he rarely finishes it! Why bother?
Might as well as put a drop of Rum Extract in the Diet Coke and call it a day!
I have never-in 12 years-seen him drunk or even tipsy. The most drinks I can remember him having at one time is maybe 3. Once.
If we order-ordered-a bottle of wine at dinner, he might have a glass and I had the rest. Of course I would have had a Martini first-or wine on the way or….and then the after dinner Brandy.
But, my point is that of course he’s noticed. He’s not drunk. But, he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol. He can go months without even thinking of having an alcoholic beverage.
I have kind of talked about it. Very lightly and briefly. Almost in passing. Mentioned so many days, etc. He did ask at one point if I was going to be “Teetotal” forever. (he’s British). I said I don’t know.

I haven’t told him about all of the fabulous blogs that I follow. How I get something out of each one I read. How even though I’ve been a lurker and never posted a comment on any of them they have been such a source of strength for me. How they are the first thing I read in the morning and the last thing I check before I go to bed.

I haven’t told my BFF who got sober 30 years ago. My first drinking partner.She’s hugely active in AA. She sponsors many and still goes to meetings regularly. She’s one of my heroes for many reasons. If anyone knows me and would be empathetic to my situation, it would be her.
But, for one thing, while I acknowledge that AA has helped millions, it’s not for me. I don’t think she would be preachy necessarily, but she might think I should be taking a different path.
Actually, I really don’t know what she would say because I haven’t told her.

Why haven’t I told anyone?
I don’t know. Could be the fear that I will start drinking again and then feel like I’ve failed.
Could be-probably is-the old “I can do this on my own!” thing.
In many ways, it feels so personal-this journey I’m on.

I don’t know if anyone will ever see this blog that I’ve started.
But, there’s something about putting this out in a public arena that makes it all the more real than just writing in my journal every day-which I am still doing.

The few times I’ve gone out and not had alcohol, no one has said anything.
Except in the case where I have brought my own “Mocktail” fixings and they have commented that it looks good!

I feel very fragile right now. Not in the sense that I’m afraid that I will drink.
But in the sense that it all feels kind of shaky right now. Trying to get my sober land legs. Learning how to walk again. Learning how to live without alcohol. Hence the name of this blog. I feel like I am in a Free Fall.

I am going to the Chiropractor on Monday and I do plan on telling him that I’ve quit drinking and that I feel that I am going through PAWS.
I feel that this will be a good step for me.
I keep reminding myself that I am in an intense healing process.
That everything is ok. That I am where I’m supposed to be.

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