One of the things I remember about my father was that he was always accusing me of wanting to “have my cake and eat it too”.
Well hell yes!
Who wants a piece of cake sitting in front of them and not be able to eat it? Especially when it’s a really dense chocolate cake with a Dark Chocolate Ganache between each layer and encasing the whole thing? Or maybe Chocolate Mousse between the layers? You get my drift and probably the fact that I am a Chocolate Freak!
I think the message I took away from that comment was that I was Undeserving. Unworthy. My expectations were too high.
And that message just crept into my psyche-and stayed.
Drinking was a way to reconfirm those negative messages. To keep me in my place. To keep me feeling bad about myself. A way to squash my self esteem.
Now many would find this funny coming from me-because outwardly I think I appear fairly confident.
But, I’m talking about way deep down inside. The place we don’t like to really go to or talk about.
When good things did happen, I was either afraid that they were too good to be true or that there was some kind of mistake. Or that something bad would happen to balance it out.
Or, maybe even worse, I wouldn’t allow myself to really FEEL the experience or the specialness of it. Somehow, I would find a way to distance myself from it.
And, you guessed it! Alcohol is a fantastic way to do that.
Maybe not by being drunk constantly-but just having alcohol running through your system on a constant basis has a numbing effect on every aspect of your life. On Everything! But of course, you don’t know that when it’s just a normal thing in your life.
Well, now I don’t have alcohol running through my system.
And I am experiencing a whole range of feelings, emotions and just plain old LIFE.
It’s new for me. I have really good things going on right now.
I’ve quit drinking-I’ve passed 100 Days!
As far as I know, I’m healthy.
I’m with a man who-while at times drives me absolutely CRAZY, loves me and I love him.
I’m about to go on a Big-pre 60th Birthday-Holiday. (I’ll cover that at another time)
I will get to spend time with 2 of my Spiritual Teachers this summer.
Really good stuff. I know that I am blessed!
But, then, one of those voices is just barely tapping on the back door of my mind. Just wanting me to open it a crack so that they can start saying, “You know, you really don’t deserve all of this!”
Well I say,”SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
Yes I do! I do deserve all good things!
Yes! YOU deserve all good things!
Yes! EVERYONE Deserves to Have Their Cake and Eat it Too!