EVERYTHING!

Everything is new!  Because I drank consistently for so many years, I was pretty much “under the influence” 24/7.  Not that I was drunk 24/7 but it was always on my mind and more importantly, in my mind.  

In that sense, everything I did, every experience that I had, every emotion I felt was tainted by the alcohol in my system and in my psychology.

While getting my hair done the other day, I kind of had a little breakdown. I was telling her about my recent trip to Hong Kong and about how crowded it was and just how much was going on! It was a sensory overload!  As I was telling her, I started to cry!  Totally welled up- totally unexpected.  She put her hands on my shoulders and very softly said, “because it’s all new”.  She knows this because she stopped drinking several years ago. And, she was right.

Every experience is new for me. I am reacting to and feeling very differently about things than I did while drinking.  I almost see myself as some kind of alien embryo- looking at everything with wide eyed awe. I also see myself as some wild-eyed lunatic running and screaming, “I can’t take this, It’s too much”! 

I understand how important it is for me at this point in this new way of being to keep things as even as possible. As peaceful as I can. I’m beginning to see that many things- and people- that may have appealed to me then don’t work for me anymore. They no longer serve me. They no longer feed me. They are no longer comfortable.

So, I  am prepared to live empty for awhile. Learning to pull back or pull out when things aren’t comfortable or feel right for me. Waiting for the right time and the right things to fill me up. To fulfill me. Believing all that I’ve read and heard, “the best is yet to come”.