Fear is only as deep as the mind allows  Japanese Proverb

OMG!  I know that I sound like a broken record but you know that commercial-the one for old people for the emergency call button that they can wear around their necks?  If they fall, they can press the button and it sends a signal to Emergency Services for help.  The line is the commercial goes, “Help, I’ve fallen and I cant get up”!

Well, that’s me.  Except my emergency is Catering!  Therefore, the “Help, I’ve catered and I can’t get up”!  What a recipe for stress and  guess where stress leads?  That’s right! Straight to the wine section!  BUT!  It didn’t! This job is so stressful! I know a lot of it is in my head-isn’t everything?  But, at the same time there are dynamics in play-loads of them.

On Thursday, that intense feeling of anxiety coupled with the high that goes along with it and all of the running around I’d been doing-all the things lined up.  Kind of like the stars lining up!  Yeah, right! I was conscious of it and could almost split off from myself and see myself in the past. Buying the wine-a nice, dry Sancerre -a little pricy, but hey, I’m stressed out! Coming home, opening it, pouring it, even tasting that first sip-or gulp probably.  Knocking back that bottle, sitting on my balcony, finally feeling the stress leave my body.  That is until I wake up at 3 am-with all that bullshit running in my head-and the new guilt added to it because I had gone 144 days without drinking at that point and I broke down. Because of catering!  Stress!

Thank God -that I didn’t go there other than in my mind. But, everything was lined up for it to happen.

But even so, I am stressed, even though things, in spite of all of the snags involved are going well.  And I will acknowledge that it’s because I am really, really good at what I do! Sorry if that sounds like ego, but it’s true.  And, I have whatever it is you call it- a sickness or an attribute, that I will do whatever it takes to make an event happen.

This is it though.  Really.  I’ve said it before.  I’ve quit before-and then! Bam!  the phone rings.  Someone’s been at an event I did.  They were so impressed with the food, the staff, whatever.. Would I be interested in doing their event?  Aside from the hook of the challenge, there’s the hook of the money.  Yes, if it’s done right, in spite of snags, there’s a decent amount of money to be made for several days hard work-not counting all of therevisions, hand holding,etc leading up to those several days of hard work.

Don’t I sound like someone who’s been trying to stop drinking, or sugar or coffee or whatever it is that they’re addicted to. In my case this is true.  I wake up in the night.  Grateful that I’m not awake because I drank too much the night before-but worrying all the same.  I can see that it is the exact same struggle!

And so, after the wedding on Monday, I’m done with big events-any events for that  matter.  Come what may, that’s it.  I’m going to have find a day counter app for this!

What I forget, is that often times, the discomfort with something is a sign that it’s not right-but we/I keep on doing it over and over and over.  Because my identity is tied up in it.  Just like it was with wine.  I put up with that  discomfort for longer than I want to go into now.  I also know that until we/I can let go of the old, uncomfortable stuff, new things won’t present themselves.

So, I’m offering a toast! “To the Bride and Groom! May your love be strong and you life together happy and long!  Just don’t call me to do the Christening! Or the House Warming! Or the Christmas Party….”