Commitment

Boy!  I needed that!  The vacation/sabbatical that I just gave myself.  I think this is actually the most grounded that I’ve felt since I stopped drinking!  Except for a few very fleeting moments, it was no problem.  I was able to wake up and walk to the east side of the island and watch the sunrise over the ocean every morning. That was followed by at least a 2 hour walk. Plenty of beach time, writing time, thinking time and just “being” time.  If at all possible, and you are secure on your sobriety path, I highly recommend a trip alone.  Even if it’s a couple of days.

I am now a bit past the 6 1/2 month mark.  While I have noticed many things on this journey, there are some things that are really coming through to me.

One of the biggest things that I’ve recently noticed is that my self loathing has significantly declined.  For instance, I am probably one of the few that has not lost any weight after I quit drinking.  To be honest though, it’s not something that I focused on. I kind of gave myself a pass in that area.  Overall, I eat pretty healthy, but, if you read this blog at all, you know that I LOVE ice cream!  Also, on my trip, I really let go-potato chips, chips and salsa,Coke, Snickers, fried stuff, and of course, ice cream.  And while I am determined to get rid of about 10 pounds, I am not beating myself up over it.  Oh, I’m noticing all right!  When your underwear starts to feel a little small, that’s a sign! But, the voice in my head is different.

Oftentimes, in the past, I would catch myself saying to myself, “I hate you!” I would automatically try to negate the thought but it popped up a lot!  I had so much anger towards myself.  I realized the other day, that I haven’t had that thought for awhile and certainly not on any kind of regular, daily basis.

I have also amped up my workout, exercise routine.  This hasn’t been hard to do as I gave myself a pass for that as well. For the most part, I worked out the whole time I was drinking except maybe for the last year.  And, regularly.  Until I didn’t.  Probably a combination of the alcohol, depression, fatigue-all brought on by…alcohol. Of course if I had to work early in the day and work lasted til 4 or 5, I definitely couldn’t work out because it was Wine O’Clock!  Couldn’t mess up that committment.

Commitment. That’s a word!  Yes, I was committed to drinking a bottle-or more- of wine everyday.  Or whatever the occasion called or didn’t call for.  When does committment cross over to addiction?  I don’t know. But that was one committment I honored.

commitment

noun com·mit·ment \kə-ˈmit-mənt\
  • the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something

:  the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled <a commitment to a cause>
The above are two definitions of the word “Commitment”  They absolutely fit in my case.  I certainly worked very had to support my drinking.  Lying, changing appointments, declining invitations if I thought there wouldn’t be alcohol or if I might drink too much at the event.  I can also see that it became an obligation and I was certainly emotionally impelled to the cause.  Emotionally, psychologically, physically.  I became a slave to my commitment. It filled up all of my waking hours. It makes me so sad to think that many, myself included, would put a commitment to alcohol above commitment to family, causes-and basically living a full, and fulfilling life.
What freedom I feel now!
I feel as if I am coming back to something.  That a part of me is coming back to me. Resurfacing after being slowly smothered by years and years and layers and layers of my commitment to alcohol. I realize that I will have to live until my early 90’s to go as long without alcohol in my life as I went with it in my life.   I can see how all of those years of drinking slowly sucked something out of me.  Little by little.  So subtly, that it was hardly noticable. A slow decline.  Sinking in the quicksand of alcohol commitment.
I feel  so blessed to be where I’m at today.  I also realize that tomorrow might be different. It might be a struggle.  My heart goes out to everyone that can’t seem to get out of their commitment to alcohol-potentially losing their health, their relationships and possibly their lives.   It’s hard being a human.  And while there are so many crazy and horrific things happening in this world that we live in, there is still the beauty and miracle of life.
There are ups and downs and ups again.  I can see so clearly now that we are here on this earth to experience all of that-without numbing out or checking out. Living life fully and soberly- that’s what the commitment should be.
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14 thoughts on “Commitment

  1. To me you are so brave to go off by yourself on a vacation. I never thought I would consider that for me, but I am. Just to rejuvenate at some point. Maybe I’ll be brave and do a language immersion thing. Dunno. I, too, feel free and as if I am resurfacing from swimming under water for years where everything was fuzzy, blurry. It’s like coming into the sunlight and seeing things more clearly. Thanks for sharing about your trip!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. To be honest, it doesn’t feel brave at all! You can always start with baby steps-don’t go on a 6 week backpacking trip to Central America for your first “alone” trip. Go somewhere where you will have a level of comfort and maybe for a short time-to kind of test the waters. And yes! on the freedom!-swimming under water is a good analogy!

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