Boy! I needed that! The vacation/sabbatical that I just gave myself. I think this is actually the most grounded that I’ve felt since I stopped drinking! Except for a few very fleeting moments, it was no problem. I was able to wake up and walk to the east side of the island and watch the sunrise over the ocean every morning. That was followed by at least a 2 hour walk. Plenty of beach time, writing time, thinking time and just “being” time. If at all possible, and you are secure on your sobriety path, I highly recommend a trip alone. Even if it’s a couple of days.
I am now a bit past the 6 1/2 month mark. While I have noticed many things on this journey, there are some things that are really coming through to me.
One of the biggest things that I’ve recently noticed is that my self loathing has significantly declined. For instance, I am probably one of the few that has not lost any weight after I quit drinking. To be honest though, it’s not something that I focused on. I kind of gave myself a pass in that area. Overall, I eat pretty healthy, but, if you read this blog at all, you know that I LOVE ice cream! Also, on my trip, I really let go-potato chips, chips and salsa,Coke, Snickers, fried stuff, and of course, ice cream. And while I am determined to get rid of about 10 pounds, I am not beating myself up over it. Oh, I’m noticing all right! When your underwear starts to feel a little small, that’s a sign! But, the voice in my head is different.
Oftentimes, in the past, I would catch myself saying to myself, “I hate you!” I would automatically try to negate the thought but it popped up a lot! I had so much anger towards myself. I realized the other day, that I haven’t had that thought for awhile and certainly not on any kind of regular, daily basis.
I have also amped up my workout, exercise routine. This hasn’t been hard to do as I gave myself a pass for that as well. For the most part, I worked out the whole time I was drinking except maybe for the last year. And, regularly. Until I didn’t. Probably a combination of the alcohol, depression, fatigue-all brought on by…alcohol. Of course if I had to work early in the day and work lasted til 4 or 5, I definitely couldn’t work out because it was Wine O’Clock! Couldn’t mess up that committment.
Commitment. That’s a word! Yes, I was committed to drinking a bottle-or more- of wine everyday. Or whatever the occasion called or didn’t call for. When does committment cross over to addiction? I don’t know. But that was one committment I honored.
the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something