So- just to give you the picture of my normal morning. I usually wake up-around 5:30-6:00 a.m. Go downstairs, with my dog. I turn on the Cappucino machine to let it warm up while taking out my super hero of a dog to do his business. I then come back in, feed him and make my cappucino. When the weather is too cold, I go back up to my bed. But, when it’s warm as it is now, I go outside and sit on my balcony. I turn on Pandora radio to a station I’ve created with a lot of Deva Premel, Snatam Kaur, Krishna Das, etc. -all mantras. I write in my journal, I look out over the beautiful canyon that we live on and just ease into my day. I’ve done this for “donkeys years”. I love that term! My SO’s father used to say that and it always cracked me up. Definitely a British thing.
So this morning, I wake up and I feel really good. I’ve been walking, working out a lot and I just felt good this morning. When I took my Wiener Dog out, the pretty much still full moon was high and shining bright with tons of stars. Really beautiful. Got my coffee and went outside. Started writing in my journal when the thought crossed my mind, “Now this is when I would drink. I’m feeling SO good right now, I would give this as a reason to celebrate.” I had my normal Pandora station on, but then as I saw the sun rising, I decided that I wanted to hear a proper mantra, chanted in the right way. There is one that I love, the Gayatri Mantra. It’s a mantra to the Divine Mother and it’s a great one to chant as the sun is coming up. Actually, I chant it all day long, sometimes even in my sleep-but that’s another post. So, I have a Gayatri Mantra bookmarked on my iPad. But then, I decided that I wanted to hear one by someone else. Well, at that time, it wouldn’t load. I kept trying over and over and over. Then I decided, “f****it!” I’m going back to Pandora. Couldn’t get that to load. Now I will admit that several times I had the thought, “maybe I’m not supposed to be listening to anything but nature and chanting it myself.” As the day breaks, I can hear Owls calling to one another, birds waking up, cicada.. it’s really beautiful. But today? Hell no! I was going to get that f*ing music to play. Well, no I wasn’t. I usually take about 45 minutes to an hour to write and drink my coffee and then, I get on with the day. So by this time, I was done with my coffee. I hadn’t written anything in my journal except how aggravated and pissed off I was. And I totally disconnected from the beautiful full moon and the sunrise. I also disconnected from myself and how good I was feeling.
So, back to the part earlier this morning when I was feeling so good and I realized that feeling good-in the past- was a trigger for drinking. One of my triggers. Okay, everything was a trigger, but I’m talking about this particular one. Anyway, while I would think that I would be celebrating my feeling good by drinking, in fact the alcohol not only physiologically brought me down, psychologically it would bring me down. “Don’t you feel too good!” And so this morning, instead of just being with feeling so good and celebrating it, I let myself get totally OCD about downloading the music, focusing on my non performing iPad and Pandora Radio and I missed out. I distanced myself from myself. From life. I didn’t listen to that voice that kept whispering to me that maybe I was just supposed “to Be.”
And so it goes….
I did go on a 6.5 mile walk and chanted my Mantra for a large part of it and am now feeling grounded and balanced.
A word about Mantras. If you’re not familiar with them, they can be a great tool for becoming grounded. When chanted properly, the syllables of a Mantra can help align your chakras and send healing energy throughout your being. Tina Turner started chanting Mantras when she was being abused by Ike and then during the difficult time she had after she left him. I first really got into them years ago when I was going through my divorce from my first husband. I went to pick up some Chinese food at a place that I went to often. When I told the owner that I was going through a divorce she gave me a tape of Chinese Monks chanting. I played that tape over and over and over. I would be so stressed at the end of the day, I would put that tape on and get in a hot bath for an hour. 24 years later, I still have that tape. Although now, I am more connected with Hindu Mantras. But I will never forget the woman that gave me that tape. It was a huge part of me getting through a very difficult time.