Couldn’t sleep last night. Not sure why! Maybe because of the kind of violent, too true to life TV show I watched before going to bed. Probably too much time on my device after 6 p.m. Maybe because my best friends’ sister is in the process of “actively dying”-as they say in Hospice. I do know it wasn’t because of alcohol. Whoopee! So awake, tossing and turning, trying to meditate and praying. Praying for my friend and her sister. Praying for everyone in pain and in war. Praying for me.
So, this morning, as I was writing about it all in my journal, I wrote something about wanting to change my life. But then, wait! I have changed my life! I quit drinking over 9 months ago. And then I just got this kind of vision of this whole spectrum- kind of like when you see a color spectrum. But this one was of my life with all of the changes I’ve made all through it. I didn’t go through each one since I was young. It was more of a big glimpse into what is. This is hard to put into words. But, what I realized is that our lives are a series of changes-hopefully for the better. You go from primary school to high school-then to either college or enter the working world. Some get married. Some get divorced. Dietary changes. Exercise changes. Sometimes the change is either so gradual or so organic, we don’t really even notice them. One day, we realize we’ve been eating much healthier than in the past or that we’ve gravitated away from people that may not be the healthiest for us to be around.
Of course, there’s also all of those painful changes. Like the breakup of a relationship, the loss of a loved one, a health scare. Quitting alcohol falls into this catagory for most of us. In part because it makes us find a new way to live. It also presents us with situations that are no longer tolerable now that we’re sober. Which in turn, may propel us to make other necessary and painful changes in our lives. And sometimes, these not only feel painful, but feel as if the pain will never end. That the intolerable situation will just go on and on and on…
Things are always changing-in either direction. My mom (who I used to think had a handbook of trite cliches for every occasion hidden in her nightstand) used to say, “This too shall pass.” Giant eye roll from me! But it’s true. Everything passes. The ecstatic feeling you get from great news eventually turns into a good feeling and then an awareness. And the same with the bad stuff. It dulls. Even grief. It may never entirely go away, but it changes. It’s not so sharp.
I think what started this train of thought was the results of my Wellness Exam that I had a couple of weeks ago. A+. For my age, I’m great. The words were, “Continue following your healthy lifestyle and we’ll see you in a year or two.” Healthy Lifestyle! Me! Jeez! But in thinking about it, I realized that over the course of the past few years I have gravitated that way. Gave up meat and poultry about 5 years ago. Try to eat only organic. Try-kind of -to regulate the sugar thing. (It’s that damn Gelato!!!) Have always been active and worked out. No processed foods…blah, blah, blah… And so, aside from the drinking and now, in spite of it, I’m healthy! I have a healthy lifestyle.
I have been changing and shifting my whole life. You have too. We still are.
PS if you have a sec, please send a quick prayer for my dying friend-that she go quickly and peacefully.