Illusion is for Disillusion

I think I’ve had a very subtle energy shift. Thank God!  I have been so upset since the election here in the US-it seems like everyday brings something new to be horrified and afraid of in this new regime.  Even so, one of the things that has upset me the very most is the realization that my oldest BFF  voted for this newly elected President.  And, unfortunaltely I can’t seem to see it in any other way than that she voted for hatred and racism.  While I can kind of get my head around someone in the Rust Belt who is really desperate thinking and hoping that the things this man has promised will help them, I can’t understand a college educated, upper leval management, woman and a Jew voting this way.  This has caused me so much grief.  Struggling with the fact that this is someone that I love and who has been in my life for 50 years to how can I have someone in my life that feels that way.  I actually disconnected from my college roommate because of her racism years ago.  We had been very close during college and continued to be close for years after-until she made some comments that I found extremely offensive. And not just against one group of people, but several.  After much soul searching, I told her-nicely-that I wasn’t comfortable being around her anymore and no longer wanted to be in a relationship. And that felt great!

But this time it’s different.  I hadn’t heard from my friend since the day before the election-even though we normally text several times during the week and speak on weekends.  She called this past Wednesday-while I was watching The Piano-and I could barely speak to her.  Especially after she replied to my statement about being upset about the election something to the effect that she just didn’t think about those things. There were other things that she said that really rubbed me wrong and also mad me realize that she hadn’t really done any homework on the the others involved with this President elect- like the Vice President. At one point I even commented/exclaimed “Surely you read up on the people that you voted for!”  If she did, that saddens me even more than if she didn’t.

What I realized though is that it’s My illusion that’s been shattered.  If I think about it, there have been hints through the years that she is in fact different thinking than me- just the fact that Duck Dynasty is one of her favorite shows should have been a huge tip off.(this is a hillbilly reality show-and one of its “stars” was one of the few celebraties that actually supported this new President)

I have been in such turmoil over this, I finally wrote to one of my Spiritual Teachers about it.  Explaining all. Telling him about my illusion being shattered.  Saying that I knew Martin Luther King had been quoted as saying something to the effect that “God said you have to love your enemies, He never said you have to like them”.  I have no doubt that I still love my friend-or that if there was some emergency and she called, I would respond.

I also know that everyone is a mirror in our lives.  Even these elected officials that I find repugnant and scary.  And it’s brought to the surface things with in me that make me struggle.

One of the things that my teacher said in his response to me is that “Illusion is for disillusion”. He also told me that first among all the evils is ignorance (he was quoting Saint Mark here) and that ignorance is only a matter of degree, not a matter of anyone being exempt.  He reminded me that everything is part of a Divine plan and that if we forget that (which I seem to do on a regular basis) we can cause ourselves problems, worry,undue apprehension about things that may never occur.

Whew! I needed those words!  And, I was reminded that one of my biggest issues is that I tend to give people too much credit-in the sense that I often don’t see them as they truely are until something explodes and then I am hurt.  My Illusions again. I can understand that if one “has no illusions” there is no suffering.  No let down.  I also realize-again- that it’s really hard to ever really know another person.  That this whole “shattered Illusion” that I am suffering over my friend is really about me. She is no different than she’s ever been. I just haven’t seen it-or when a red flag did go up, I just kind of filed it away.

So, while I still want some space from her, I’m not feeling so sad right now.  I am trying to send her love in my prayers.  God, I sound like some kind of religious fanatic!

I’m also so glad that I’m not drinking now.  Oh!  I can just see myself!  Ranting, crying-having a reason to open that second bottle of wine-finding friends to “commiserate” with just so I could have more reasons to drink.  Probably sending off an email or a text that I would regret the next morning-if I remembered that I’d done it.  Probably having to read it to “jog” my memory!  My SO going into the other room to get away from it all.

Yes, being in the throes of alcohol gives us another “illusion”.  The illusion that we are in control.  That we’re sophisticated.  That we’re relaxed. That we need it. And so many more illusions-that is, until we become disillusioned with it.   For me, I was disillusioned with it for years before I actually stopped.  But, stop I did and I am so glad-because I know that in the end, it would only make this hard situation much worse-sloppy.  Instead, I am able to let my emotions play through me-painful as it is. Uncomfortable as it is.  Yet at the same time, it’s so real!  So life affirming in the sense of not dulling out. To be honest, this is probably the biggest emotional thing I’ve been through since I quit drinking-if you don’t count the emotional roller coaster that actually occurs for the first few months after quitting.

So this election is the one that keeps on giving!  Not all in a good way but it has brought many things to the surface which I feel that are good to confront within myself.

And now, I’m going to make a few phone calls- to the politicians that represent me to voice my concerns-to the House Oversight Committee to do a bipartisan review of conflicts of interest of our elected officials.

I’m not quite at the point where I can call my friend yet.

Oh!   And my takeaway from The Piano?  Sometimes you have to lose a part of yourself to find something new.  Sometimes we have to go through extrodinary pain to grow and to find love.  To live a new life.

Namaste to you!


6 thoughts on “Illusion is for Disillusion

  1. Some family members, but not all, voted for DT,
    I will be seeing all of them at Thanksgiving.
    I struggled with this, and almost didn’t go…
    But, I love these people. I can just agree to disagree.
    I will not talk about the election at all, and focus on loving them.
    Being angry with them will not change their opinion, and will only make me more upset.
    If I had been drinking, I’d be like you… crying, angry rants, drunk texts, etc.
    I am SO glad I am sober.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I can totally relate to your post. I found, to my horror, that my DAUGHTER voted for DT. This is beyond inexcusable. We are Jews, and DT is already confirming anti-Semites to his team. When I discovered on fb that she’d voted for him, I wrote “Shame on you,” and I unfriended her. The truth is that, like you, I have overlooked several things that show me exactly who she is. Because she’s my daughter, I have chosen not to question some of the things she’s done. I also believe she is probably alcoholic. I discussed this with my sponsor, and she suggested I write a “goodbye letter” to the daughter she never was–and then read it to my sponsor. She has been a difficult “child” to raise. She’s 32 yrs old, so not a child anymore. She has rebelled against me and done several cruel things to me over the years. She even uninvited me to her wedding. I can’t take the pain anymore, so I need to move away (yet again) from her toxicity.
    It is so hard to work the steps when it comes to family members. That includes friends who feel much like family. You are not alone.
    I don’t have to worry about seeing her at Thanksgiving since she didn’t bother to invite me to her in-laws house for their celebration. It tears me apart, but I have to let go.


    1. I’m so sorry! I know the situation with your daughter must be incredibly painful for you! Mother-daughter relationships are so incredibly complicated. I think the lett is a good idea. I wrote a letter to my friend-did not send it, but felt better afterwards. Reading it to your sponsor will give you acknowledgement and validation. And while I certainly don’t want to contribute to any false illusions on your part, it may be that once you really and truely distance yourself from her, she may at some point, want to have a relationship with you. Of course, she may not. I was mad at my mother for so long! But, she outlived my anger and I’m so grateful that she did.
      I wish for you some peace out of this painful situation.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It is truly disheartening what has happened. I feel you. I can’t wrap my head around why people would vote for him. I cried on the phone to my mom, who did vote for him and I think for once she truly saw my pain. I love my mom and our relationship is pretty decent.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That must be so hard knowing that your mom voted the way she did. I’m glad she listened to you-and it may have some impact on her in the future. I’ve still not been able to speak to my friend- but then she hasn’t contacted me either. It’s so crazy to me that there is so much upheaval- more every day- and the guy hasn’t even been sworn in yet. Thanks for you comment.

      Liked by 1 person

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