Two weeks have passed since my dog died. I still miss him, but the shock of the suddeness of it all has passed. In my heart, I know that the way he went was the best possible way to go-for any of us. I also know that it was time. Even so…
And today,I found out that someone that I’ve worked with on and off for the past 30 years died a couple of days ago. We cooked together. She worked for me a lot at different times and being in a kitchen, we got really close. But, it seems like she went peacefully-although unexpectedly. WTF???
Of course every day, I find or read something that really sets me off in the political arena. It’s so fucking crazy! And unsetteling. I keep telling myself to breathe. That there is a Divine Plan for everything. Even so, it’s kind of an ongoing stress.
I relayed to my SO, while having a moment, how hard this is-and no alcohol! He even commented that he wondered and wouldn’t have blamed me for “having a drink” to relax. Of course the problem is that is wouldn’t be one drink. And then, there’s all the bullshit that would come with that bottle of wine.-What a great marketing ploy! “Every bottle comes with a free emotional roller-coaster! Not only is this Saugvinion Blanc dry and mineraly, it will also help you to toss and turn in the night, experience tons of guilt and give you untold reasons to hate yourself. In addition to that, it will help loosen your tongue and emotions-helping the drinker to overeact in almost any situation. All for 9.99! And to be honest, the last time I had a glass-almost 365 days ago-I didn’t like the taste. So, I’m kind of wishing for the very temporary illusion of relief that drinking would give me-but do not want to pay the price. Didn’t I just write a post about illusion? Hmmm….
I am doing a little catering this holiday season. It’s a love-hate thing… I love it when it’s over and hate it while I’m doing it. Although last week, I did a big holiday party for a family that I’ve cooked for for years. And did decorated Christmas Cookies-200 of them- a 3 day process. This was actually good therapy to help with the helplessness I was feeling over Dudley’s death.
I also put up our Christmas decorations. Once again, the Jewish one put up the tree, etc. It reminds me of this woman that lived at the nursing home my mom was in. She was really old and confined to a wheel chair. Her hair was always dyed some crazy color-at Easter it might be purple-at Christmas it was green with red splashes. Her wheel chair would be festooned with lights and she was always covered in costume jewelry. All kinds of bracelets and necklaces with lots of stones and glitter. Sometimes when I would arrive to visit my mom, she would be in the lobby, asleep in her wheel chair, head down, lights blinking and all that jewelry on. That’s kind of what my tree looks like.
One thing-on a more positive note, that I have been noticing is that I seem to have much more patience. Well- not today- I got to the end of my rope and tired prepping for tomorrows’ event for 300 people. But overall-I don’t know if this newfound patience is a result of not drinking or possibly my grieving over my dog or what. It’s a good thing thought. The fuse doesn’t seem to be quite as short. Of course I suppose I could just be in the middle of a very deep depression-but I don’t think that’s entirely it. I realize that many people start seeing lots of huge changes within weeks of quitting alcohol. As I’ve never been one to follow the crowd, I’m thinking it’s just taken more time for shit to kick in for me. Like I’m starting to lose a bit of weight. But then, after all the years of drinking and abusing my body, it makes sense that it might take a year or so to really start evening out. I guess the same could be true of my personality.
Well, that’s it for now. Just wanted to check in and get grounded. For anyone reading this, thank you.
With love
Free Falling Into a Sober Life 
I laughed out loud at the description of your Christmas tree. ; )
I’ve noticed a lot more patience and short term memory improvement, but it also is just kicking in after 8 months of sobriety. I read somewhere that your body can only begin to seriously repair itself after six months, and that the first six months is mostly detox. Just typing that out has made me not want a drink this evening. Thank you!
I hope you feel better about missing your little buddy. I still miss my dog from 20 years ago. xoxo
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Thank you! Yes! I definitely feel the first 6months is about detoxing- mentally and physically.
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And I still miss my dog after 20 years too!
I love your cookies!!!
If I made cookies, I’d eat them all up!
I love what the wine marketing ploy was.
The political climate is getting worse by the day. I get mad, then I withdraw for awhile.
It’s crazy.
xo
Wendy
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Ha! Trust me, I ate a lot of cookies! This week I’m on brownies! Good for you for withdrawing from the political stuff! I try but it’s kind of like knowing there’s a bad wreck up ahead and you tell yourself you’re not going to look and then you do- and wish you hadn’t!
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I like this post. I get anxious that things aren’t changing fast enough…. they say it usually takes around a year. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had one.
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I don’t know about guaranteed changes at a year or two years or what have you. Changes occur for me ALL the time. The biggest thing that happened for me at one year was that I realized sobriety was no longer a game wherein I got chips and attention after each month, then three, etc. I realized I was LIVING sober. I was really IN it. I suspect that you are realizing that sobriety is a major life change. You FEEL more deeply. You are MORE AWARE of what is going on. Losing a dog or a friend is something you feel really intensely. I used to RUN from death and those who were dying. In sobriety, I’ve had to face several big deal deaths: my husband, my dog, and (just recently) my mother. Loss is hard for us alkies.
I do wonder about the Jew doing all the Christmas decorations. I’m also a Jew and I came to realize that Christmas is NOT my holiday! I don’t put up a tree or buy Xmas presents or send out cards. I realized those rituals were not authentic to me. The kids are grown, so I don’t give Chanukah presents either. I do light my menorah–just for me–because I enjoy carrying on my OWN tradition.
It’s amazing how many realizations and changes have occurred during my sobriety. I’ve heard that it takes as long to make those changes as the number of years that you drank excessively. I call “b.s.” Things change because WE are changing. And it’s GOOD!!!
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Thank you for your comment. I have to say, that loss is hard for many people-it’s hard to say it’s harder for one group than another, in my opinion. My SO does Hospice work, he sits with people as they are dying and at times, I am with him or have had interaction with the patients.
To be honest-and not wanting to get into any kind of religious discussion-I consider myself Jewish culturally. I was raised in a fairly religious home and realized in my 20″s that the dogma does not work for me. Of course I recited the Kadish the moment my mother died-I know that would be important to her so I did it. This is the same reason I put up Christmas decorations-it means a lot to my SO, and because he means a lot to me, I do it. Basically, it’s a ton of lights and hey-isn’t Hanukah the Festival of Lights?
And so, I believe while many of us have things in common, our “individualness” makes each thing and each situation unique to that person.
And I agree, Change is perpetual and it’s good.
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