High Anxiety

I am about as whipped up as I’ve ever been! A lot going on.  We’ve decided to move from the condo we’ve been renting for the last 13 years!  On top of that, my SO has been in the process of applying for his US citizenship-don’t ask me why!-so we went to San Antoinio for the night a couple of days ago for him to take his test and have his interview.  He got approved and will now get a letter in the next couple of weeks telling him the date and time of being sworn in as a US citizen.

In looking for a place to live, we of course wanted to stay in a particular part of town and within a certain budget. We live in a very expensive city and part of town.  We’re moving because, as I said, we’ve been here 13 years.  We overlook a canyon.  We are in the community of the people that live here and I’ve got a ton of folks that I’ve chatted to in the neighborhood while out dog walking.  Having said that-our place is in dire need of a re-do.  And I mean everything-floors, paint, kitchen, everything.  Our landlord has finally offered to do part of it, but it won’t be enough.  And, he’ll raise the rent.  Which in all fairness to him, he hasn’t raised the whole time we’ve been here. The other reason is that we need more storage.  I want a garage for the storage as well as a second fridge.

Well, we went out to look at a condo last Wednesday-it already had an application on it so our agent showed us a couple of others in the same property.  Now this is not in our general neighborhood at all, but the property is beautiful-beautiful landscaping, a pool, a little gym, gated. While we were there, she checked on the one with the application and it had fallen through.  We looked at it and my SO was like, “let’s take it!”  So we rushed home, frantically getting together so much paperwork it was insane-for a rental! Got the deposit in. And then I had time to think about it.  Wondering why I was feeling so anxious.  Is it because I’m a Cancer-a homebody_ and I’m having separation anxiety? Is it because deep down, it’s the wrong decision?  Is it because the kitchen is small and it only has 2 bedrooms? I decided not to say anything.  We went to a funeral the next morning.  When we got home I decided to try and take a nap as I’d been awake all night long.  Couldn’t sleep.  So I thought I’d check to see if any other units had become available.  Guess what?? Yes! One a little bigger, with an extra little “bonus room” and a little bigger kitchen.

Of course it was with some reluctance that I brought it up to my SO.   But, I did.  Of course he was frustrated, but I called our agent and asked if we could look at it. She said yes, but not til Saturday.  Fine.  Well, of course on Friday evening they approved us for the first unit.  I still wanted to look.  We did and then looked at the one we had confirmed and decided to take that one.

And now, I am freaking out.  The kitchen is way too small-it reminds me of the kind of kitchen someone’s grandmother would live in befor the next step of moving into a care home.  While we do have a garage, the storage is going to be a challenge inside.  Especially in the kitchen.  There are only 3 small drawers!  I think I can make it work with the garage, but….

I’ve been questioning myself what’s going on.. Have I compromised my desires and needs?  I think so, in many ways.  What I do know is that I am just about at my 1 1/2 year mark of no alcohol.  And this past week, I have wanted to drink more than any other time during this period.  I haven’t found myself reaching for a bottle of wine, but I have really imagined drinking.  The other night in San Antonio, we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant where it seemed everyone was drinking a Margherita-and they are great there! Boy!  I wanted like 6 of them in rapid succession!  BUT, I ordered a Virgin Frozen Strawberry Margherita.  It was great!  Even so, I am wanting the whole numbing effect.  Big time.

I’m know that there are millions that wish these could be their problems- a new, over all comfortable space to live in.  A great SO.  All of that.  I have also realized that these past few weeks-or really 10 days- have been the most-what?  Well whatever it is, in the past you can bet your bottom dollar that I would have been drinking my through it. Under the guise of “being excited” of course.  So aside from my second thoughts and all of that.  I don’t think I’ve had any period of change in my adult life that I wasn’t “liquored up” going into it or through it or “celebrating” it. And so, all of this energy running through me-and I mean currents of energy/anxiety are new to me.  And extremely uncomfortable.  I have to admit I’ve been kind of a bitch at times to my SO.  Jesus!  I don’t think I ever got to this point during the height of my catering career-and I catered some pretty intense events!

I’m not going to drink today.  Or tomorrow or the next.
But I really, really want to.  Then I think of all the BS that would come from it.  Knowing that on the other side of this, I’ll be so glad that I made it through.

I’ve calculated the vacation time we’ve got planned over the next year-and so far it’s about 6 weeks-so subtact that from 52 and it’s only 46 weeks there.  And who knows, by that time I may be wanting to buy the place.

Oh, it’s my birthday today-61!  That may be playing into some of this-especially about the grandmother and the little kitchen thing.  Although I cook.  That’s my art form.  It’s my spiritual expression.  The kitchen is my sacred space.

Well, it is what it is at this point.  I’m going to IKEA.

with love

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3 thoughts on “High Anxiety

  1. Change is tough. Deep breaths. Look at things with open eyes and see what you need to do to make things work.

    It sounds a little like you feel Hingis are happening outside your control. That is when my anxiety comes up. Sometimes free writing can help put the worries into words.

    Otherwise congratulations on the new place and happy birthday!

    Liked by 1 person

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