There is so much going on right now in the world!  So many horrible things out of our control. I mean when you think about it, we’re really never in control are we?  At least of outside factors.  And it’s so easy to see the news of a horrible event and feel pain at it, and yet, still feel somewhat removed from it.  Because it doesn’t directly effect “us”.  But here’s the thing-in my mind at least.  EVERYTHING-good and bad does effect everyone on some level.  Whether it’s conscious or not.  Seeing babies gassed in Syria or a hockey team killed in Canada or a High School shot up here in the USA.  What we forget or never knew is that we are all connected.  We are all in this thing called Life.  No matter where we live, what we believe, how we eat or how we look.  We are all human.  It’s so easy to forget this.  So easy to feel like we are encapsulated in our own world.-our own happiness or pain.  Without getting preachy, in my mind, one of the biggest problems in the world today is that there is a lack of connectedness.  Which leads to a lack of tolerance.  Which leads to an “Us against Them” kind of thing.  That’s what racism is.  It’s always blown my mind that people are hated because of their skin color or ethnicity or sex-as if they had a choice!  We can’t help where we’re born or who we’re born to. So why should someone be hated for something they had absolutely no control over?  Crazy! Obviously there are people whose values I don’t share or religious beliefs or even dietary choices.  But why does that make them “less than”?  Jeez!  We are ALL just trying to live in this world.  For the most part, we want the children to have a better life than we had.  I don’t understand, how people can destroy the environment as if they don’t breathe the same air as everyone else.

I read something a long time ago that has stuck with me. Something to the effect that everytime we feel a spark of anger it connects somewhere in the ether with other sparks of anger and all of those sparks collectively cause wars. Now I’ll be the first to admit, that I have a pretty short fuse.  And so, have to admit, that according to this theory, I have contributed to that massive negative  and angry energy.   I will also say, I am definitely better that I used to be.

But the question is, what can we do about it?  What can I or any one person do about all of the horribly negative stuff that’s happening right now on this planet? How can we cope?  Well, here’s what I try to do for whatever it’s worth.  I try to control the things I can.  The things that matter. And give up control over little things that don’t. For instance, as you may have guessed, I’m a foodie.  I have other friends that are foodies.  Going out to dinner or ordering in a restaurant can be a HUGE deal.  Years ago, I made a conscious decision that not every restaurant had to be my choice and that I didn’t have to control what was ordered-as long as I got something that was good for me. Reminding myself that the real thing was to be with friends.

Of course one thing I couldn’t control was my relationship with alcohol.  Tried for years and couldn’t.  So gave it up. While I know that this goes against the AA premise, but for me, by quitting I took control.  I quit letting the alcohol have control over me.  By doing that-which I know isn’t easy-I am clearer about the other choices that I make in my life.

I try to find things, even on the bad days to be grateful for.  To find beauty in something-even if it’s just the light on a beautiful Texas day.  When I get pissy about something, I remind myself that I am blessed.  I remind myself that there are people in other parts of the world living in unthinkable situations-and yet surviving.  That there are people who have lost everything they’ve ever known and are just looking for some peace and safety in their lives. I try to say a prayer every day, asking for all living things on this planet to be blessed-even the politicians that seem to have no humanity in them (this is hard).  I pray that we can all be more tolerant of one another-more accepting.  I pray that we can all know safety and freedom from fear.  I pray for all of the broken hearts in the world, for all of the parents who have lost children.  I try to stay calm-As I mentioned, I have a mantra that I chant throughout the day-hoping that it sends out positive vibrations. It also seems to calm and ground me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I try to be as conscious as I can-without becoming paralyzed by putting too much thought into everything.  Not drinking helps significantly. The freedom that I have acquired from not thinking and obsessing over drinking allows me to put all of that energy into other things.

I’ve also learned to question myself when I find myself obsessing over something wierd.  For example, years ago my ex and I had planned a trip to Mexico.  I hadn’t traveled that much and we were going to take backpacks and bus our way through.  I started OBSESSING over finding the perfect pair of white sandals.  It became a real mission for me.  Of course when it came down to it, I don’t think I even wore them the whole trip!  But, what I realized was that what the REAL issue was was that I was nervous about the trip-traveling in a way I’d never done before.  But instead of really acknowledging it and dealing with it, I put all of my angst into finding those perfect sandals..Displaced anxiety..I had a friend once who had become engaged.  She went on a wedding dress hunt. She tried on hundreds-and money was no object.  But she couldn’t find the right one.  Being me-I pointed out that maybe she didn’t really want to get married.  She broke it off.

Working on ourselves is hard.  It’s work.  It can be draining.  It’s definitely never-ending..And it often seems that there’s never any progress.  But there is.  Just bringing awarenesss to something-bringing it to the surface is the first step.. And, at least for me, once it’s there, it’s hard to ignore for any length of time. And so, I confront it.  Acknowledge it.  Try to look at it objectively.  Try to make whatever changes seem appropriate for that issue.  Does it go away entirely?  Not always.. Sometimes it almost seems as if the Universe is saying, “let’s just see if she’s really worked through this! Let’s throw it at her again, in a different way and see what happens!”  To be honest, at times I think that when I die, I’m finally going to meet the entity that’s been fucking with me my whole life-the one with a very warped sense of humor…:) I hope when I do meet her- I can thank her.

With Love




6 thoughts on “Surfacing

  1. Yes! Wonderful post and thank you for the reminder that we’re all just here on the same Earth, struggling through, doing what we think is best and working on getting better.


  2. I love that you try to find gratitude daily, I also try to do this and find that really helps put my life and others in perspective. Of course my husband’s recovery has opened me up to gratitude naturally. We can be angry and discontent with injustice and grateful at the same time. Your post made me think of something: I am presenting to my team at work about cultural competence, this involves perspective taking and shifting away from ethnocentrism and essentialism, the first step in the process is self awareness, even if it’s uncomfortable. None of us are perfect!
    Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

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