Wow! I have been the not so impartial observer of my mind trying to do a number on me! So here’s the deal- my SO and I have a trip planned to go to Mexico for a week. It was kind of a last minute decision. Meaning that we only decided a couple of weeks ago as opposed to planning a trip for a few months- which I LOVE to do. Anyway, we’re both excited- me because I love Mexico and would move there (again) if possible. And my SO because he’s been working hard at the volunteer things he does and is tired. And his football team has really disappointed him. Cry me a river…:) But he’s excited to go which is good.

So we’re going for a week.  7 days. We’re staying in an urban beach area- in a place I/we know well.  It’s a beach.  We won’t be going to fancy restaurants or clubs. With that in mind, I decided to pack light- not just a carry-on but light.  I even bought the packing cubes! They’re GREAT- I highly recommend them.  Anyway, I laid out my clothes, made sure that I can wear one top with a couple of bottoms- then cut back some.  Of course now I’m looking at the weather and rain is forecast. While we’re going for the beach I’m not overly concerned about the weather.  For one thing I know that while it may rain some during the day, there’s usually some sun. And there’s a lot to do aside from the beach. Things that I love- places I know that tourists don’t do. And above all else, it’s a break from our normal routine- which is feeling pretty boring right now. So it’s all good, right?

What I’ve been observing is my mind trying to convince me to pack a ton more stuff! To add,add,add.  Listen, even with my “light”version of packing I still probably have enough for 2 weeks- changing up combinations.

But it’s crazy to me how much a part of myself is trying to undermine and second guess myself. And while a part of me isn’t impartial observer, it’s really kind of a struggle. Today I threw in a pair of nylon running pants. I’d originally decided that I wasn’t going to take these for my morning walks. I practically live in these most days and I’m sick of them. Time to do shorts, which I’d already packed. But, I put them in this morning- not even in the cube thing!  I was only going to take 3 pairs of socks for my morning walk-and slipped in a fourth pair today.  And so on.

What’s wierd is that in so many aspects of my life, I make a decision and that’s it. And while there are occasions that I have doubts about things- watching and being a part of this inner struggle is interesting. And frustrating. Because it’s gnawing at me- whispering to me in the night.. God! It’s like fighting with yourself whether or not to drink that day. Or whether or not to have just a “little ” bit more wine. I catch myself wondering if there’s something else going on that I’m not dealing with- and in order not to do so am focusing on my packing. Or is this just another facet   of my addictive personality coming out? Almost as if it’s saying, “Awwww! Come on now! There’s not enough drama going on anymore!! What’s the fun in that?” And that’s true. I don’t have much, if any drama going on in my life right now- excepting the day to day fuck-up-edness of the American political situation and all that goes with it. And I like it- the no personal drama.  Which is what makes this tussle with myself so uncomfortable. It’s not really about what clothes I’m taking. To be honest, as long as I don’t go over 50 pounds for my checked bag it doesn’t make any difference. We’re not backpacking. And I’m nowhere near that anyway- hard to do with summer clothes! It’s a different story when I’m going somewhere in the winter months.

So, anyone have any thoughts or insights you’d like to offer? Does this happen to you?  To be honest, I know that as soon as that plane takes off this issue will be gone. But again, the real issue isn’t about what clothes I’m taking on my vacation- it’s something deeper. As I’m writing this, it’s occurring to me that this is probably something that has been manifesting in my life for years.  Some pattern that is no longer comfortable for me. Something that I am no longer “medicating” away. And because of that, I’ll just ride with it. Acknowledging my discomfort but not give into it.

And, by the time this posts, I’ll be gone and the issue of packing will have gone away.. However, I suspect that I will have this same psycho drama in my head again- it’ll just manifest in a different way-with another focus.

Xxx