Fluidity and the Fog of If Only

Well, well, well!  It’s been a really long time since I last posted!! I don’t really have an excuse-and I have been reading other blogs…

So, let’s see!  I’m still sober. As a matter of fact I am-wait let me check!  1113 days sober!!!  That would be 3 years and a few days! Who’d have thought?  Not me-at least at one time.  It’s funny isn’t it?  You (or I) spend so much time agonizing while drinking about stopping -really just getting through one day with no booze that you (I) don’t really think about what it’s like to not drink. To have stopped.  Oh, we all read other people’s blogs telling us how much better things are without the ball and chain of alcohol addiction to deal with. But until you (I) actually begin and continue to live that way, it’s all kind of just “out there” in the fog of “if only”!  Well, I am here to tell you that it’s been three years-and while I haven’t regretted my decision I will say that for me, it’s been a gradual kind of growth.  I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’ve had so much therapy in my life or who knows.. Of course the thing that needs to be said is that the one MAJOR change is the angsting or lack of angsting.. I had my first real major craving recently.. I’d had a super frustrating day trying to deal with something on the computer-just a variety of things-and I looked at my SO and exclaimed,”now this really makes me want to drink!” But it passed and I didn’t.  And forgot about it. And, that was that.

So, there’s good days, great days and shitty days.  I suppose that’s called life. Things change, they shift.  It’s all fluid-if you allow it to be.  And so, in writing this, it makes me think of the word “fluidity”-and while I’ve never chosen a word for the year before, I think I’ll choose one this year.  Actually, when I think about it, I’m a water sign-so it makes perfect sense that this word would come to me.  And, to be honest, it’s something I could use a little work on. FLUIDITY..

Okie dokie! And so, I still hate the politics here and the asshole in the White House.  I am constantly haranguing my 2 state senators for being the douche bags they are.  Of course I put that as civilly as I can and have even had a couple of my letters to them published in the local paper.  My relationship with my SO is good and always a work in progress- I’m healthy, I’m safe and I have a roof over my head.

Lots of things that were so important to me while I was drinking and in the time after quitting, just don’t seem so important now.  For instance, working out.  I was a maniac.  Loved and hated it.  I think in part it made me feel like I was in control.. Now? I’d rather go on a long walk with my dog-or on a beach.  I’m still careful of what I eat-although have not and will not give up ice cream or coffee!!  I sleep really well some nights and not so good others.  I guess I’m a little more comfortable with who I am and where I am in my life. I’m seeing that life is often a discovery that our pre-conceived ideas of who we are or where we should be in life are at times, illusions. How sometimes, the illusion can block the even better reality. Illusion can also harm the reality.  I think that for me, I’m reconciling who I am now with who and where I always thought I’d be at this point in my life.  Maybe this comes with my age-62! Shit! Don’t know how that happened!!! Although, in retrospect, it’s pretty amazing that with all of the stupid things I did when I was younger that I’m here at all!

And so, that’s it..wanted to check in for whatever that’s worth to anyone. Actually, it’s worth something to me. I’m realizing that I’ve missed writing and checking in.

With love



A Dangerous Liaison

Still here.  Still sober.  Still appalled at the politics going on here in the U S of A.  My intent is not to go on a political rant.  However, I find myself in an almost perpetual state of agitation, anxiety and anger-and of course all fear based. Which comes from things not being the same as I’ve experienced them for the majority of my life.  Many of the the so-called norms rapidly changing. Seeing injustices done and seeing that so many don’t see them as injustices.  On and on and on..

I did watch the testimony of Dr. Ford-felt that I had to as a form of supporting her as well as the realization that many of us have or could be in her situation.  After watching her, I stayed tuned and watched Kavanaugh’s testimony. Without going into all of my thoughts and emotions about that-one of my first oberservations-within about 5 minutes of him beginning, was, “that man has an alcohol problem.” To be honest, I hate to think that I have or had anything remotely in common with him. But, he was doing something that I know I’d done many many times while I was drinking. Trying to normalize it all.  Trying to find a common ground with people through connection to alcohol.  He did it repeatadly. I used to to do that.

It’s funny, that slippery slope of having a drinking problem.  On the one hand, we try to hide it-not admitting how much we’ve had to drink.  Denying any kind of black out.  Saying the words “went to sleep” instead of “passed out”.  Expending a ton of energy to deny it to the world that surrounds us. Jumping through all kinds of hoops to hide it.  Sneaking.  Lying.  And yet, at the same time, trying to make it all sound so normal.  For instance, I’ve got a friend that’s been sober for like 35 years.  We drank like fish through high school and college-but she eventually stopped. Got in to AA-and is still very active in it.  I would find myself, in conversations with her, bringing up alcohol in some way.  I would be conscious of it. Almost as if to say, “see, I’m still drinking, but it’s just normal drinking. I don’t have a problem.” I will say, that she never once said anything negative to me about my drinking-or tried to step in.. But somehow, for some reason, I would bring it up-The thing is though, while I was talking about drinking as if it is oh so normal, the voice in my head was telling me that I was full of shit. That I know that I drank way too much..I mean I don’t normally talk about how much water I drink in a day-or coffee.

What I saw Brett Kavanaugh doing-and what I was trying to do-was validating it.  Normalizing it.  He was trying to get Senators to say what they drank-how much-whatever..

So we go on and on and on. Trying to normalize it.  Looking for validation.  Always on the lookout for someone “who really has a drinking problem!”  Always comparing – so that we can feel better about ourselves.  And even when we’re doing that, there’s that internal struggle-that voice that knows the truth. The voice that’s constantly pulling at us and driving us crazy until we can medicate it away again for a few hours.  That voice is always there.  Does Brett Kavanaugh have that voice?  Who knows.  Denial works until it doesn’t. What was interesting was seeing and identifying that behavior on the stage it was on.

I do know is that with almost 3 alcohol free years, I never talk about alcohol.  Rarely think about it.  There’s a behavioral aspect that just changes when we stop and have some sober time under our belts.  We’re not always thinking about it. We’re not looking for normalization or validation of our drinking. I get a picture in my mind of someone in a situation that’s unfamiliar to them. They go overboard in several directions because they don’t know how to act.  That’s how a drinking is when they’re trying to act like they don’t have a problem. It gets to the point that it becomes such a huge, ingrained part of our lives that it seeps out into every aspect of it.  It’s a noose around our neck and our psyche. It’s unbelievably freeing to be rid of it. And oh so easy to recognize when we see it.  Like I did the other day. One of the things that alcohol does is unite people who have absolutely nothing in common. It can make us complicit with people and situations that would otherwise be abhorrent to us.  It’s a total mind fuck!

With Love