Liar! Liar!

 

I was once having a conversation with a friend and he made the comment, “Everyone lies”. I was taken aback and started to argue with him.
But, he’s right. Of course there are various degrees of lying.

For instance, I’ve lied when I’ve told someone they look GREAT! when in fact, they don’t.

Once when I had an early morning event and went to my kitchen to load up for it and found that it had been broken into, glass everywhere and all of my office equipment stolen, I lied to my client when I walked in and said what a GREAT day it was for a party!

I lied when I was a teenager and side swiped some friends of my parents car while blasting out of the driveway to go to a party-said.”Gee, someone must’ve pulled into the driveway to turn around and hit the car!” (I always felt bad about that!)

I’ve lied about something in order to get out of something else. “I’ve got a horrible headache, I won’t be able to make it tonight!”

I’ve lied about my alcohol intake on medical forms (the other day, I was able to truthfully answer that I Don’t Drink!) Thank God they didn’t ask what my previous intake was!

The one thing I haven’t lied about is my age-I have never upped my age to get a Senior price at the movie-that truth will be here soon enough!

But there’s also lying by omission.

I have had a lot of therapy off and on throughout the years. Some in college-it was free with a psychology student-so I took advantage of it.

Then after finding out my ex had been having an affair with someone half my age, IN MY HOUSE!
I was in a therapists office the next day.l

I was in a women’s group that was based on the book, Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood (I highly recommend it!).

And then there was my Jungian therapy.

While I had and made major progress with each of these therapists and learned a lot about myself, I never, ever came clean about my alcohol use. NEVER!
Never brought it up-I thought about bringing it up-but I could never quite bring myself to do it.
So, in my mind, it was lying by omission. I can’t help but wonder with all that I got out of it, how much more I would’ve gotten if I’d been totally honest. But, I see that I wasn’t ready yet.

An acquaintance that is very involved in a 12 Step Program once commented that “All addicts lie!”
Again, at the time, I was kind of shocked. But I see that it’s true.
I’ve certainly lied about how much I’d had to drink-“No, of course I didn’t drink the whole bottle! I used some of it for cooking!”
Or, “I’ve only had a couple of glasses-see there’s over half a bottle left!” When in fact, the OTHER empty bottle that I’d finished was hidden away somewhere.
I’ve certainly lied about not having a hangover-“No, I feel GREAT!” when I felt like shit!

I can see now that some of the most harmful lies I’m guilty of are the ones I told myself.
The lies about my drinking.
The lies by omission.
The lies that came in the form promising myself that I would quit quitting.
The lies that came in the form of ignoring the signs that my drinking was out of control.

I lied to myself EVERY DAY for years!!!

While I can’t promise that I will never, ever lie again-especially if it helps to make someone feel good, it is SUCH A RELIEF to  know that I don’t have to tell anymore lies around my alcohol abuse!

One more form of the FREEDOM that comes with sobriety!

Let Them Eat Cake!

One of the things I remember about my father was that he was always accusing me of wanting to “have my cake and eat it too”.

Well hell yes!

Who wants a piece of cake sitting in front of them and not be able to eat it? Especially when it’s a really dense chocolate cake with a Dark Chocolate Ganache between each layer and encasing the whole thing? Or maybe Chocolate Mousse between the layers? You get my drift and probably the fact that I am a Chocolate Freak!

I think the message I took away from that comment was that I was Undeserving. Unworthy. My expectations were too high.
And that message just crept into my psyche-and stayed.

Drinking was a way to reconfirm those negative messages. To keep me in my place. To keep me feeling bad about myself. A way to squash my self esteem.

Now many would find this funny coming from me-because outwardly I think I appear fairly confident.
But, I’m talking about way deep down inside. The place we don’t like to really go to or talk about.
When good things did happen, I was either afraid that they were too good to be true or that there was some kind of mistake. Or that something bad would happen to balance it out.
Or, maybe even worse, I wouldn’t allow myself to really FEEL the experience or the specialness of it. Somehow, I would find a way to distance myself from it.

And, you guessed it!  Alcohol is a fantastic way to do that.
Maybe not by being drunk constantly-but just having alcohol running through your system on a constant basis has a numbing effect on every aspect of your life. On Everything! But of course, you don’t know that when it’s just a normal thing in your life.

Well, now I don’t have alcohol running through my system.
And I am experiencing a whole range of feelings, emotions and just plain old LIFE.
It’s new for me. I have really good things going on right now.
I’ve quit drinking-I’ve passed 100 Days!
As far as I know, I’m healthy.
I’m with a man who-while at times drives me absolutely CRAZY, loves me and I love him.
I’m about to go on a Big-pre 60th Birthday-Holiday. (I’ll cover that at another time)
I will get to spend time with 2 of my Spiritual Teachers this summer.
Really good stuff. I know that I am blessed!

But, then, one of those voices is just barely tapping on the back door of my mind. Just wanting me to open it a crack so that they can start saying, “You know, you really don’t deserve all of this!”
Well I say,”SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

Yes I do! I do deserve all good things!
Yes!  YOU deserve all good things! 
Yes! EVERYONE Deserves to Have Their Cake and Eat it Too!

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