Help!!! Get Me Out Of My Head

Wow! I have been the not so impartial observer of my mind trying to do a number on me! So here’s the deal- my SO and I have a trip planned to go to Mexico for a week. It was kind of a last minute decision. Meaning that we only decided a couple of weeks ago as opposed to planning a trip for a few months- which I LOVE to do. Anyway, we’re both excited- me because I love Mexico and would move there (again) if possible. And my SO because he’s been working hard at the volunteer things he does and is tired. And his football team has really disappointed him. Cry me a river…:) But he’s excited to go which is good.

So we’re going for a week.  7 days. We’re staying in an urban beach area- in a place I/we know well.  It’s a beach.  We won’t be going to fancy restaurants or clubs. With that in mind, I decided to pack light- not just a carry-on but light.  I even bought the packing cubes! They’re GREAT- I highly recommend them.  Anyway, I laid out my clothes, made sure that I can wear one top with a couple of bottoms- then cut back some.  Of course now I’m looking at the weather and rain is forecast. While we’re going for the beach I’m not overly concerned about the weather.  For one thing I know that while it may rain some during the day, there’s usually some sun. And there’s a lot to do aside from the beach. Things that I love- places I know that tourists don’t do. And above all else, it’s a break from our normal routine- which is feeling pretty boring right now. So it’s all good, right?

What I’ve been observing is my mind trying to convince me to pack a ton more stuff! To add,add,add.  Listen, even with my “light”version of packing I still probably have enough for 2 weeks- changing up combinations.

But it’s crazy to me how much a part of myself is trying to undermine and second guess myself. And while a part of me isn’t impartial observer, it’s really kind of a struggle. Today I threw in a pair of nylon running pants. I’d originally decided that I wasn’t going to take these for my morning walks. I practically live in these most days and I’m sick of them. Time to do shorts, which I’d already packed. But, I put them in this morning- not even in the cube thing!  I was only going to take 3 pairs of socks for my morning walk-and slipped in a fourth pair today.  And so on.

What’s wierd is that in so many aspects of my life, I make a decision and that’s it. And while there are occasions that I have doubts about things- watching and being a part of this inner struggle is interesting. And frustrating. Because it’s gnawing at me- whispering to me in the night.. God! It’s like fighting with yourself whether or not to drink that day. Or whether or not to have just a “little ” bit more wine. I catch myself wondering if there’s something else going on that I’m not dealing with- and in order not to do so am focusing on my packing. Or is this just another facet   of my addictive personality coming out? Almost as if it’s saying, “Awwww! Come on now! There’s not enough drama going on anymore!! What’s the fun in that?” And that’s true. I don’t have much, if any drama going on in my life right now- excepting the day to day fuck-up-edness of the American political situation and all that goes with it. And I like it- the no personal drama.  Which is what makes this tussle with myself so uncomfortable. It’s not really about what clothes I’m taking. To be honest, as long as I don’t go over 50 pounds for my checked bag it doesn’t make any difference. We’re not backpacking. And I’m nowhere near that anyway- hard to do with summer clothes! It’s a different story when I’m going somewhere in the winter months.

So, anyone have any thoughts or insights you’d like to offer? Does this happen to you?  To be honest, I know that as soon as that plane takes off this issue will be gone. But again, the real issue isn’t about what clothes I’m taking on my vacation- it’s something deeper. As I’m writing this, it’s occurring to me that this is probably something that has been manifesting in my life for years.  Some pattern that is no longer comfortable for me. Something that I am no longer “medicating” away. And because of that, I’ll just ride with it. Acknowledging my discomfort but not give into it.

And, by the time this posts, I’ll be gone and the issue of packing will have gone away.. However, I suspect that I will have this same psycho drama in my head again- it’ll just manifest in a different way-with another focus.



Help I’ve Catered and I Can’t Get Up!


Fear is only as deep as the mind allows  Japanese Proverb

OMG!  I know that I sound like a broken record but you know that commercial-the one for old people for the emergency call button that they can wear around their necks?  If they fall, they can press the button and it sends a signal to Emergency Services for help.  The line is the commercial goes, “Help, I’ve fallen and I cant get up”!

Well, that’s me.  Except my emergency is Catering!  Therefore, the “Help, I’ve catered and I can’t get up”!  What a recipe for stress and  guess where stress leads?  That’s right! Straight to the wine section!  BUT!  It didn’t! This job is so stressful! I know a lot of it is in my head-isn’t everything?  But, at the same time there are dynamics in play-loads of them.

On Thursday, that intense feeling of anxiety coupled with the high that goes along with it and all of the running around I’d been doing-all the things lined up.  Kind of like the stars lining up!  Yeah, right! I was conscious of it and could almost split off from myself and see myself in the past. Buying the wine-a nice, dry Sancerre -a little pricy, but hey, I’m stressed out! Coming home, opening it, pouring it, even tasting that first sip-or gulp probably.  Knocking back that bottle, sitting on my balcony, finally feeling the stress leave my body.  That is until I wake up at 3 am-with all that bullshit running in my head-and the new guilt added to it because I had gone 144 days without drinking at that point and I broke down. Because of catering!  Stress!

Thank God -that I didn’t go there other than in my mind. But, everything was lined up for it to happen.

But even so, I am stressed, even though things, in spite of all of the snags involved are going well.  And I will acknowledge that it’s because I am really, really good at what I do! Sorry if that sounds like ego, but it’s true.  And, I have whatever it is you call it- a sickness or an attribute, that I will do whatever it takes to make an event happen.

This is it though.  Really.  I’ve said it before.  I’ve quit before-and then! Bam!  the phone rings.  Someone’s been at an event I did.  They were so impressed with the food, the staff, whatever.. Would I be interested in doing their event?  Aside from the hook of the challenge, there’s the hook of the money.  Yes, if it’s done right, in spite of snags, there’s a decent amount of money to be made for several days hard work-not counting all of therevisions, hand holding,etc leading up to those several days of hard work.

Don’t I sound like someone who’s been trying to stop drinking, or sugar or coffee or whatever it is that they’re addicted to. In my case this is true.  I wake up in the night.  Grateful that I’m not awake because I drank too much the night before-but worrying all the same.  I can see that it is the exact same struggle!

And so, after the wedding on Monday, I’m done with big events-any events for that  matter.  Come what may, that’s it.  I’m going to have find a day counter app for this!

What I forget, is that often times, the discomfort with something is a sign that it’s not right-but we/I keep on doing it over and over and over.  Because my identity is tied up in it.  Just like it was with wine.  I put up with that  discomfort for longer than I want to go into now.  I also know that until we/I can let go of the old, uncomfortable stuff, new things won’t present themselves.

So, I’m offering a toast! “To the Bride and Groom! May your love be strong and you life together happy and long!  Just don’t call me to do the Christening! Or the House Warming! Or the Christmas Party….”