Apologies

I haven’t posted for awhile.  No particular reason-although we are down to one computer right now which my SO commandeers most of the time.  So I get on it when he’s away…

As I’ve previously written, I have a love-hate relationship with catering.  Which I’ve done forever.  But, I can’t seem to totally break from it.  For one thing the money’s good when I do it-well for the most part.  And, I pretty much just do things for people that I have been doing events for for years.  So there’s a comfort level there.  Well as much as there can be. Anyway, I did a small dinner party for a longtime client the other night.  I really like them and politically, we’re in total agreement-which I can’t say about most of my ultra wealthy clientele.  So as I was getting things in order, the husband came in to get a glass of white wine for a guest.  He pulled out a bottle from the fridge that was about half empty-he poured some, tasted it asked what I thought-Now this was the kind of wine that I used to LOVE! I said I didn’t drink anymore.  His response? “I’m sorry!” Wow! Then a bit later, his wife came in, poured herself a Scotch and told me if I wanted one or a glass of wine, to help myself.  I told her that I didn’t drink anymore (not that I ever drank at an event while working. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever had a glass of wine with these people).  Anyway, her response was the same as her husband’s!  She said, “I’m sorry!”

That blew me away.  These folks are not alcoholics-well not that I know of.  I’ve seen them a bit buzzed at the end of an evening, but have never had the sense that they knock it back on a nightly basis. But then again, what do I know?  I’m not there every night.  As it was getting closer to the guests being seated for the first course, the husband came in to open the wine and decant it so it could breathe.  As he was pouring it into the carafe, he made a statement that the wine cost almost as much as the food!  Let me tell you, for a small seated dinner, I charge ALOT! Well over $150.00 a person (see why I do it?) That’s just for the food-not the service or gratuity.  So this was for 8 guests. Do the math! And I thought I spent a ton on vino!! Crazy!

Don’t you think it’s strange that their response to my saying I don’t drink anymore is that they’re “sorry”?  Jeez! I have such a nice rhythm to my life now.  Yes, occasionally, I wish I could join in for the wine.  But that passes.  I have never woken up the morning after going out the night before and wished that I had partaken of an alcoholic beverage-Of course it wouldn’t have been just one alcoholic beverage.  It would have been several. Or more.  And, I HAVE woken up many times and wished I hadn’t had any alcohol the night before. Yes, I smelled the $800.00 bottle of wine.  Yes, it smelled good.  Was I tempted?  Not at all. I just got on with what I needed to do.  At the end of the evening, I was tired.  But, I got home in time to watch Saturday Night Live-and see this new “regime” we are under here in the US get skewered once again.  Had a Perrier. In the past, I would have opened a bottle of wine to “unwind”.

I know that I’ve written about the freedom that comes when getting sober.  But, I can’t stress enough how great that freedom is.  Yes, I could lose about 8 pounds.  I should work out more. I should cut back on sugar.  I hate the political situation here and am completely stressed and obsessed by it.  Yes, we have some concerns over the Great British Pound going down because of Brexit.  I have fucked up family members.  But I don’t have the ball and chain around me in the shape of a wine bottle on top of everything else. And that my friends, is blissful!

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Help I’ve Catered and I Can’t Get Up!

 

Fear is only as deep as the mind allows  Japanese Proverb

OMG!  I know that I sound like a broken record but you know that commercial-the one for old people for the emergency call button that they can wear around their necks?  If they fall, they can press the button and it sends a signal to Emergency Services for help.  The line is the commercial goes, “Help, I’ve fallen and I cant get up”!

Well, that’s me.  Except my emergency is Catering!  Therefore, the “Help, I’ve catered and I can’t get up”!  What a recipe for stress and  guess where stress leads?  That’s right! Straight to the wine section!  BUT!  It didn’t! This job is so stressful! I know a lot of it is in my head-isn’t everything?  But, at the same time there are dynamics in play-loads of them.

On Thursday, that intense feeling of anxiety coupled with the high that goes along with it and all of the running around I’d been doing-all the things lined up.  Kind of like the stars lining up!  Yeah, right! I was conscious of it and could almost split off from myself and see myself in the past. Buying the wine-a nice, dry Sancerre -a little pricy, but hey, I’m stressed out! Coming home, opening it, pouring it, even tasting that first sip-or gulp probably.  Knocking back that bottle, sitting on my balcony, finally feeling the stress leave my body.  That is until I wake up at 3 am-with all that bullshit running in my head-and the new guilt added to it because I had gone 144 days without drinking at that point and I broke down. Because of catering!  Stress!

Thank God -that I didn’t go there other than in my mind. But, everything was lined up for it to happen.

But even so, I am stressed, even though things, in spite of all of the snags involved are going well.  And I will acknowledge that it’s because I am really, really good at what I do! Sorry if that sounds like ego, but it’s true.  And, I have whatever it is you call it- a sickness or an attribute, that I will do whatever it takes to make an event happen.

This is it though.  Really.  I’ve said it before.  I’ve quit before-and then! Bam!  the phone rings.  Someone’s been at an event I did.  They were so impressed with the food, the staff, whatever.. Would I be interested in doing their event?  Aside from the hook of the challenge, there’s the hook of the money.  Yes, if it’s done right, in spite of snags, there’s a decent amount of money to be made for several days hard work-not counting all of therevisions, hand holding,etc leading up to those several days of hard work.

Don’t I sound like someone who’s been trying to stop drinking, or sugar or coffee or whatever it is that they’re addicted to. In my case this is true.  I wake up in the night.  Grateful that I’m not awake because I drank too much the night before-but worrying all the same.  I can see that it is the exact same struggle!

And so, after the wedding on Monday, I’m done with big events-any events for that  matter.  Come what may, that’s it.  I’m going to have find a day counter app for this!

What I forget, is that often times, the discomfort with something is a sign that it’s not right-but we/I keep on doing it over and over and over.  Because my identity is tied up in it.  Just like it was with wine.  I put up with that  discomfort for longer than I want to go into now.  I also know that until we/I can let go of the old, uncomfortable stuff, new things won’t present themselves.

So, I’m offering a toast! “To the Bride and Groom! May your love be strong and you life together happy and long!  Just don’t call me to do the Christening! Or the House Warming! Or the Christmas Party….”