Trying to Be Clear and Serene

Back from the vacay.  Back into life/reality.  While there’s hope, we are still concerned with the Brexit thing and it has definitely impacted us. Of course I have an almost obsessive concern over the upcoming Presidential election here in the U S of A. While I don’t want to turn this into a political rant, Donald Trump scares the shit out of me. Not to mention everything about him, his actions, what he says is totally repulsive to me. And, the thing that is even more concerning to me-if that’s possible-is that there are so many people that support him and agree with him.  While some may say they don’t agree with his racism or his sexual harrassment of women or making fun of people that are handicapped, in my mind, if they are voting for him, they do agree with and support those kinds of viewpoints.  He has allowed people to voice and behave in a way that has been kept somewhat undercover up to now. It’s extremely scary to me to think that they may be given a kind of permission to act on these prejudices if he is elected.

And, my beloved, 13 year old dog is sick.  It started a few months ago and we thought it was pancreatitis.  But, as it wasn’t getting any better and he had to be rushed to the vet while we were away, we took him to a specialist.  He’s got a lump on his thyroid which will have to be aspirated and it turns out that he has a UTI-which he’s possibly had for awhile.  He is now on 2 strong antibiotics and after a couple of days of those is a tiny bit better.  I can tell that his energy level is slightly better, he doesn’t seem to be in pain or nauseated.  He’s eating, peeing (now) and pooping.  But he doesn’t have the same love of life and gusto he had even 3 months ago.  The vet used the C word. I know that he will never act like he did a couple of years ago, but I want him to have a good quality of life and not be in pain.  I love this dog so much!  He knows all of my secrets, all of my recipes and tricks with food (if he comes back as a human, I’m convinced he will be an amazing chef as he has paid rapt attention whenever I am cooking- as I am constantly explaining to him what I’m doing!)  He’s seen me at my drunkest and worst. He’s seen me cry, rant, rage, laugh and love. Unlike my SO, he always acknowledges when I’m speaking to him-or he did before he became mostly deaf.  He was always ready to go for a walk and be in nature with me.  And has let me hold him in my darkest times.  He gets back into bed with me in the morning after he’s eaten and snoozes while I drink my coffee and write in my journal. The downside of having a pet is that they never, ever live long enough.

I hit the 10 month sober mark the other day. WooHoo!  I changed my profile picture on FaceBook and I can’t believe how many nice comments I received!  I also changed my cover picture-putting one in that was of me and my SO. A friend asked if we’d been drinking!  I responded, “Not a drop!  Just having fun the old fashioned way!” I privately messaged him and let him know that I hadn’t had any alcohol in almost a year! Wow!

So, 10 months! What do I know?  Well, I feel pretty good and it must show to some extent.  I haven’t struggled with guilt and lies and conniving how to make sure I have enough alcohol to get me through whatever it is.. But, I have also recently noticed that at times, for a brief instant, I wish I was drinking.  Like a Margarita in Mexico- But then, I take it one step further, past that first sip and past the first drink and am reminded of all that comes with it-knowing that I wouldn’t stop at one drink.  Or, I see someone who has had too much and is a total idiot, all the time thinking they are cute or suave or sophisticated.  Like the jerk that we sat next to in a pretty nice restaurant recently.  God!  the guy was such an asshole! I couldn’t tell if he was a hillbilly from some backwoods mountain tribe, or had a speech impediment or what. And, the woman he was with didn’t seem to be as drunk-but maybe she just wasn’t as obnoxious. The waitstaff were very nice to him, but I saw them rolling their eyes at times.  It took me back to times when I would be drunk in a restaurant, sometimes really nice ones, and thinking I was being so witty with the server. Or the time I actually passed out or went into a blackout for about 10 minutes in the middle of a meal in a 5 star restaurant and my SO had to help me out the door at the end of the meal.   Classy!  While I am so glad that’s not happening now- it’s weird (kind of) how we can do things like that or even worse and then somehow push them to the back of our psyche and keep on repeating.

And so, my post for the day.  All I can do is to trust and pray and know that things are how they are supposed to be.  Remember that there are lessons in everything.  Try to remember that no matter what, there is a place deep inside that is never effected by anything. It sits still and serene in the knowledge that there is a greater Force at work.


Her state is like that of things in the regions above the moon, always clear and serene