Apologies

I haven’t posted for awhile.  No particular reason-although we are down to one computer right now which my SO commandeers most of the time.  So I get on it when he’s away…

As I’ve previously written, I have a love-hate relationship with catering.  Which I’ve done forever.  But, I can’t seem to totally break from it.  For one thing the money’s good when I do it-well for the most part.  And, I pretty much just do things for people that I have been doing events for for years.  So there’s a comfort level there.  Well as much as there can be. Anyway, I did a small dinner party for a longtime client the other night.  I really like them and politically, we’re in total agreement-which I can’t say about most of my ultra wealthy clientele.  So as I was getting things in order, the husband came in to get a glass of white wine for a guest.  He pulled out a bottle from the fridge that was about half empty-he poured some, tasted it asked what I thought-Now this was the kind of wine that I used to LOVE! I said I didn’t drink anymore.  His response? “I’m sorry!” Wow! Then a bit later, his wife came in, poured herself a Scotch and told me if I wanted one or a glass of wine, to help myself.  I told her that I didn’t drink anymore (not that I ever drank at an event while working. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever had a glass of wine with these people).  Anyway, her response was the same as her husband’s!  She said, “I’m sorry!”

That blew me away.  These folks are not alcoholics-well not that I know of.  I’ve seen them a bit buzzed at the end of an evening, but have never had the sense that they knock it back on a nightly basis. But then again, what do I know?  I’m not there every night.  As it was getting closer to the guests being seated for the first course, the husband came in to open the wine and decant it so it could breathe.  As he was pouring it into the carafe, he made a statement that the wine cost almost as much as the food!  Let me tell you, for a small seated dinner, I charge ALOT! Well over $150.00 a person (see why I do it?) That’s just for the food-not the service or gratuity.  So this was for 8 guests. Do the math! And I thought I spent a ton on vino!! Crazy!

Don’t you think it’s strange that their response to my saying I don’t drink anymore is that they’re “sorry”?  Jeez! I have such a nice rhythm to my life now.  Yes, occasionally, I wish I could join in for the wine.  But that passes.  I have never woken up the morning after going out the night before and wished that I had partaken of an alcoholic beverage-Of course it wouldn’t have been just one alcoholic beverage.  It would have been several. Or more.  And, I HAVE woken up many times and wished I hadn’t had any alcohol the night before. Yes, I smelled the $800.00 bottle of wine.  Yes, it smelled good.  Was I tempted?  Not at all. I just got on with what I needed to do.  At the end of the evening, I was tired.  But, I got home in time to watch Saturday Night Live-and see this new “regime” we are under here in the US get skewered once again.  Had a Perrier. In the past, I would have opened a bottle of wine to “unwind”.

I know that I’ve written about the freedom that comes when getting sober.  But, I can’t stress enough how great that freedom is.  Yes, I could lose about 8 pounds.  I should work out more. I should cut back on sugar.  I hate the political situation here and am completely stressed and obsessed by it.  Yes, we have some concerns over the Great British Pound going down because of Brexit.  I have fucked up family members.  But I don’t have the ball and chain around me in the shape of a wine bottle on top of everything else. And that my friends, is blissful!

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Yep! 365 Days and More

Happy New Year!

I hit day 365 on January 1.  One year with NO alcohol! To be honest, while I’m glad that I’ve done it, I don’t feel particularly ecstatic.  I’ve been trying to think of all the fantastic things that have happened since I quit the booze. Of course there’s the obvious-no hangovers, no mental bullshit all night long, no deals with myself not to drink.  I’ve also saved a ton of money-both at home and when going out.  Actually, last week was my S/O”s birthday and we went out to eat at an upscale seafood/steak place.  He likes it because in his mind, it’s “very Americana”(he’s a Brit). So I made the reservations and requested the section we wanted to be seated in.  We were and had the same great server we’ve had in the past. One of those times I was so drunk, I actually blacked out for a bit during the meal and had to be propped up to leave.  Charming vision isn’t it?  Anyway, when he came to take the drink orders I said I wanted a mocktail in a good glass-kind of fruity and fizzy.  He came back with I don’t know what-but it was in a martini glass and I loved it.  Got another.  When he asked if I wanted a third, I said no!  I had to cut myself off!  He laughed and I said how times have changed!  Being the great server that he is, he just lauged with me.  And you know what? I had a really good time. Yes with my S/O but with the servers and just all the way around.  (Yes, I interact with waitstaff-it kinda freaks out some of my British friends, especially in London at a toney kind of restaurant, but, that’s me. They are people too and we all have a story!)  I felt good about myself, about how I looked and that I could prance in and out with head held high and not boozy.

So, that is another good thing. I haven’t been sleeping great and I’ve not yet experienced the “miracle weight loss”.  But, I do have a kind of clarity that I don’t think I had while I was drinking.  This is a very subtle difference.  I still blow my top off at things and cry at greeting card commercials. Of course I also remind myself that one year of sobriety is not a whole hell of a lot compared to the 40 years of drinking that I did.  Not to diminish going one year without booze.

Is my life better overall?  Yes, I would say it is.  Have I had any huge breakthroughs or specific “Aha” moments?  Not really.  Maybe not yet.  I do have a sense that I am living the way I’m supposed to be living.  How we are all supposed to be living.  With awareness.  Not medicated.  Not dulled out by a substance. To have the realization that this how people live without alcohol or whatever it is.  I don’t really do anything differently than I did while drinking.  Except that everything is done differently because it’s not done in the shadow of booze-wanting it, regretting it, loving it, hating it.  It’s become kind of a non-entity.

This past year, I’ve had a few trips-all booze free.  Although to be honest again, I think going to a place like Hong Kong with only 3 months of sobriety under my belt was a little too much-way too much sensory overload.  But, I did it-I went to Mexico twice and several other places-all places that I have boozed my way through previously. I’m not sure if I had more or less fun sober.  I certainly remember everything and don’t have any drunk regrets.  I’v never once wished that I’d gotten drunk the night before.  That counts for a lot!

So, I guess what I’m trying to say in a very bumbling way is that for me at this point, life is life.  It’s steady. It’s ongoing.  The choice is whether you want to be in a leaky boat that you have to keep bailing out the water constantly or if you want one that can make it through a squall safe, sound and secure and upright at the end of it.