Fluidity and the Fog of If Only

Well, well, well!  It’s been a really long time since I last posted!! I don’t really have an excuse-and I have been reading other blogs…

So, let’s see!  I’m still sober. As a matter of fact I am-wait let me check!  1113 days sober!!!  That would be 3 years and a few days! Who’d have thought?  Not me-at least at one time.  It’s funny isn’t it?  You (or I) spend so much time agonizing while drinking about stopping -really just getting through one day with no booze that you (I) don’t really think about what it’s like to not drink. To have stopped.  Oh, we all read other people’s blogs telling us how much better things are without the ball and chain of alcohol addiction to deal with. But until you (I) actually begin and continue to live that way, it’s all kind of just “out there” in the fog of “if only”!  Well, I am here to tell you that it’s been three years-and while I haven’t regretted my decision I will say that for me, it’s been a gradual kind of growth.  I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’ve had so much therapy in my life or who knows.. Of course the thing that needs to be said is that the one MAJOR change is the angsting or lack of angsting.. I had my first real major craving recently.. I’d had a super frustrating day trying to deal with something on the computer-just a variety of things-and I looked at my SO and exclaimed,”now this really makes me want to drink!” But it passed and I didn’t.  And forgot about it. And, that was that.

So, there’s good days, great days and shitty days.  I suppose that’s called life. Things change, they shift.  It’s all fluid-if you allow it to be.  And so, in writing this, it makes me think of the word “fluidity”-and while I’ve never chosen a word for the year before, I think I’ll choose one this year.  Actually, when I think about it, I’m a water sign-so it makes perfect sense that this word would come to me.  And, to be honest, it’s something I could use a little work on. FLUIDITY..

Okie dokie! And so, I still hate the politics here and the asshole in the White House.  I am constantly haranguing my 2 state senators for being the douche bags they are.  Of course I put that as civilly as I can and have even had a couple of my letters to them published in the local paper.  My relationship with my SO is good and always a work in progress- I’m healthy, I’m safe and I have a roof over my head.

Lots of things that were so important to me while I was drinking and in the time after quitting, just don’t seem so important now.  For instance, working out.  I was a maniac.  Loved and hated it.  I think in part it made me feel like I was in control.. Now? I’d rather go on a long walk with my dog-or on a beach.  I’m still careful of what I eat-although have not and will not give up ice cream or coffee!!  I sleep really well some nights and not so good others.  I guess I’m a little more comfortable with who I am and where I am in my life. I’m seeing that life is often a discovery that our pre-conceived ideas of who we are or where we should be in life are at times, illusions. How sometimes, the illusion can block the even better reality. Illusion can also harm the reality.  I think that for me, I’m reconciling who I am now with who and where I always thought I’d be at this point in my life.  Maybe this comes with my age-62! Shit! Don’t know how that happened!!! Although, in retrospect, it’s pretty amazing that with all of the stupid things I did when I was younger that I’m here at all!

And so, that’s it..wanted to check in for whatever that’s worth to anyone. Actually, it’s worth something to me. I’m realizing that I’ve missed writing and checking in.

With love