Don’t Be Like Him

Not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but I have a new job.  Well, it’s not that new now-I’ve been doing it for several months. I am a manager on duty at an event place that does mainly weddings.  I rotate dates with 2 other people.  Basically, I get here before the vendors, the event planner-whoever and get the lights turned on, the doors unlocked and set the climate control. I’m here during the event and then close up at the end after everyone else leaves.  I have to say, this is the polar opposite of catering.  It is SO FUCKING BORING!!!   But! It pays pretty good and they direct deposit into my account.  I bring a ton of food-as I’m here usually around 10 hours.  Today, I watched the Champions League Final on my iPad.  To be honest, the first few times I worked, I felt like I was going to get fired for slacking.  But there really is nothing to do.  Except for poking my head in every once in awhile, there’s no reason for me to be in the room where the event is going on.   And, I have to say, at the end of the night when I’m watching the caterers and the event people break down and load up, I am SO GLAD it’s not me.  Also, not to give myself a pat on the back, but to give myself a pat on the back, I realize that compared to a lot of the caterers that come through here, I was pretty damn good!

Needless to say, as these are wedding receptions, there’s alcohol involved.  For the most part,  everyone behaves.  But, there’s always a one or two that drink too much and are pretty sloppy at the end of the night.  To be honest, at times I see myself in some of these people.   However, for the most part, I’m in an office and not really involved except at the end of the night.  And so, like now, I can get on my iPad and do what I want.  Like write a blog post.

So, here I am tonight.  The ceremony was to be outside in the courtyard at 5:30.  Of course at that point it was over 100 degrees out-but hey, that wasn’t my call.  Anyway, all of the guests were seated and the bridal party was lined up to proceed with the procession.  I walked up to the front of the house and saw this guy come in late, really kind of frazzled, with a cup in his hand.  He asked me how to get to where everyone was seated and I pointed him down the hall to the open door where the bridal party was making their way out.  The bar was on the way and to be honest, I wasn’t surprised when he stopped at it.  Made a snap judgement and thought something to myself along the lines of “Yep!  He’s a drinkerprobably been drinking all day!” And then forgot about it and him.  Then later, as I was making another round of the building  ( I walk about 5000 steps over the evening-which makes up for the half pint of Ben and Jerry’s Karmal Sutra I just ate) anyway,  he was back in the kitchen- where no one ever goes.  And we started talking.  He was saying how he was nervous because he didn’t drink and everyone was drinking.  What a struggle it was and he LOOKED like he was really having a hard time.  I said that I’d quit drinking a few years ago and that I never woke up and wished I’d gotten drunk the night before.  We talked about how things that used to seem fun drunk weren’t anymore. I said how I always wanted to stay the longest and now  I was always ready to leave after about 5 minutes.  I mean, this guy was struggling with being here-around all these people he knows that he used to drink with.  I asked why didn’t he leave and he said he came in from out of town for this, blah blah blah.  But then, he told me that it’s been like 20 YEARS since he quit!  20 YEARS!!  I was blown away.   Not that I showed it, but to see him and talk to him, I would’ve guessed that he was in the early days of sobriety.  I mean he looks like a hard core drinker in the throes of detox. He was sweating, almost twitching, nervous. This got me thinking.

The first thing that came to mind is that I need to quit making snap judgements about people.  The other thing was, while I don’t know if this guy is in or ever was in some kind of program, I don’t think he’s done the work.  By this I mean either following the steps or done some kind of inner work.  I really felt for him. He just seemed in so much distress. I’m hoping that in his day to day life he’s in some kind of situation where he’s cocooned.  But is that really living? I’m not saying we should go into situations that make us uncomfortable, but at the same time, life happens.  To come to a celebration like a wedding and be so distressed about being around people that are drinking-it’s sad.  It almost seems as if it’s missing the point.

Of course health reasons and issues are a huge part and a very good reason to abstain from alcohol. But it’s also about living a fuller, more balanced life.  It’s about going through life “unmedicated.”  Being sober does not mean acting soberly in all circumstances  Now while I don’t know this guy’s story and I also realize that I’m projecting, I’m gonna go with that for a bit.  To me, this was an example of just hanging onto sobriety by your fingernails.  What joy is there in that?  I realize that for some, quitting is the main thing.  And, that’s a good thing.  But it’s just the beginning. And I think it has to be in tandem with really doing some inner work. Facing up to the reasons why.  Acknowledging whatever hurts and pains we’ve experienced in our lives.  Being honest withourselves-at times brutally honest.  It’s about working through our issues and  making a commitment to making the changes in our lives so that, not only do we quit drinking, but we are able to to release the reasons why.  We become self educated in recognizing the things that trigger our negative behavior-We learn to love ourselves enough to stop the self harm.  We learn to accept ourselves-all of our parts and idiosyncrasies.  We become familiar with what makes us whole.  What makes us feel good about ourselves. We learn to become comfortable in our own skin.   While all of this may include cutting some people out of our lives and even boycotting certain situations, it does not mean to exist by hanging on by a thread.  Where’s the joy in that?  And that’s the word. Joy.  I believe that we are here in order to experience this thing called life in the fullest way possible.  All of it’s ups and downs-all the good and the bad.  Doing this kind of deep inner work takes commitment.  It’s scary.  It can be draining.  But at the same time, it can lead to an unbelievable freedom.  Not that working on ourselves really ever finishes.  We will always have issues.  There will always be people and situations that punch our buttons.  We can always choose to look at these situations and grow from them.  Wonder why our reaction to something is so strong.  It means taking steps to find the right kind of help-again for some that may be “working the program”.  For others, it may mean seeing a therapist or joining some kind of group therapy situation.  Living sober should be about experiencing a kind of freedom that’s unknown while in the midst of an additction. The joy is under all the muck.  That guy at that wedding, he wasn’t free. He was missing out. Don’t be like him.

With Love

*after meeting this guy, I rushed in to my iPad and wrote most of this post. just finished it  today…

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Unmet Expectations

We all have them.  I certainly do.  Some are realistic-some not. To be honest, I don’t know where half of mine come from! My expectations that is. We are inundated with so much stuff from almost day one of our lives. As a child- and a girl child- it was “read” into me to expect a Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet one day-offering me a glass slipper and a carriage ride into a fairytale life. I started to believe and expect that for every bad situation, the would be a Glenda- the good witch of the East- to rescue me and send me back to safety with 3 clicks of my heels. Again, fancy shoes were involved! This time the Ruby Slippers. You know as I’m writing this, it’s occurring to me that shoes have played a big part in fairy tales- all the way from Cinderella up to recently, Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City! But I’m getting away from the subject here- or am I? Maybe having fancy shoes or not- does come into play here. It does for me! My feet are so messed up from working on them for so long that shoes are a big problem for me . To be honest, I’d rather shop for a swim suit- and that is not because I like how I look in one! So yes, I do have an unmet expectation in regards to shoes. I never imagined that they would be such a problem for me.

There’s both unmet and unrealistic expectations.  Sometimes they merge and become one in the same. We are so brainwashed into how we should be- eat a certain way, weigh a certain weight, workout this way or that. Meditate this way- do one kind of yoga over another. It’s trickled down into every aspect of our lives- my life. I find myself wondering just how I would be without so much outside influence. Wondering if at times I might not feel so let down if I could just know at my core what is the best way for me to be. So many ideas can sound so good when I read them in an article- but then in reality, they don’t really fit into my life. They don’t fit with who I am. And that’s where a lot of the problems start. At least in my case. Because what’s happened is that I’ve bought into some kind of “way of being” and instead of realizing that it’s not me and go on from there, I feel like something’s wrong with me. I’ve let myself down. I haven’t met up to my own expectations of myself. I’m just not good enough. Of course I realize this could be a never ending cycle. Because it’s possible and in my case probable, that I will always find some other expectations to have and not come to fruition.

And then of course, there’s the other people in our lives- what about when they don’t meet our expectations? How realistic are the expectations that we’ve placed on them? I know in my case one of my major, recurring issues is that I sometimes give people too much credit. I have had this come up mainly in work situations. Giving someone too much credit . Then they don’t meet my expectations. Then there’s problems.  I had this problem in my marriage- thinking my ex and I were on the same page and then being extremely disappointed to find out differently. I will say, that as far as my relationship with my SO now, I don’t have this problem. At least not in the sense that I’ve received mixed messages from him only to be disappointed. Nope, not from him. The only times I’m disappointed is when I’ve concocted something in my head and it’s just not so.

Of course there’s the saying that goes something like “if you don’t have any expectations, you won’t be disappointed “ but that is so hard to do in this world we live in- there’s so much on social media- so many magazine covers screaming out about a new way to be- so many strangers surrounding us that look so perfect-  Last night I got hooked into watching an infomercial on some skincare line. Those sales people are sooooo good! I decided to Google reviews for the product. While it didn’t have a horribly negative rating, it didn’t exactly have a positive one.  If I had bought it, I’d have one more unmet expectation.

I think another aspect of unmet expectations is that often that they then become a way for us to beat ourselves up.  I’ve had too many “day ones” or “I have no willpower” or whatever it is.  That way of thinking can eat us up. I’ve seen people who are so full of resentment and bitterness over their unmet expectations- whether of themselves or in regards to another person- that it just takes over their lives. Like a parent who can’t accept that their son is gay.  Or a Jewish father that won’t accept his non-Jewish son-in-law. The list can go on and on. It’s poison. It’s a waste of time and energy.

So here’s what I’m going to TRY to do. I’m going to try and be more conscious of my decisions- try to be clearer in my thinking. I’m going to try to remember to question what exactly my expectations are in a situation. When- because it will happen- I find myself having unmet expectations, I am going to try and react differently than I have in the past. I will question myself as to why I’m disappointed. I will try to let it go as soon as I can.  I will also remind myself that there’s a reason- in some cases, maybe I’m just not meant to do something- it’s not me.  Or maybe something better is coming in place of it.

Our lives are so short. We have so much going on in them- so many experiences and choices. In our quest to better ourselves, it seems like there’s a fine line between lovingly accepting who we are and building our lives around that truth and setting ourselves up for disappointment in the form of unmet expectations.  Life is fluid. It’s always shifting and changing. We should try to do that too!

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With Love