Conflict and Fear

So, here I am in my special place- a little island in the Mexican Carribean. This is a time for me to really let my mind roam, a time to go within, a time to process whatever it is that may come up. A time to delve. Well then, when I experiended some acid reflux the other day- not from eating spicy foods, definitely not from drinking alcoholic beverages, actually I really couldn’t pinpoint anything in particular that may have caused it.  I’ve had it before- not regularly, but it comes and goes periodically.  I decided to get a medical definition of it, which I’ve done before. Acid coming up from the diaphragm into the throat area…

Then I thought, “why not see what it means in Ayurvedic terms?” So, I did a little research in that direction. Too much Pitta. That wasn’t a surprise. It means too much heat in the body which is not good in Ayurvefic terms. My Ayurvedic body type, or Dosha, is Pitta-Vata. Which means that I already have a surplus of heat in my body. So,especially at this time of year, I should be doing things and eating things that cool me down. Spending time at the beach in July in a hot, tropical climate would not be on my list of Ayurvedically correct things for me to do right now.  But, once a rebel….

I then decided to go a step further and see what the Metaphysical  meaning of Acid Reflux is. This is something that I used to do frequently. Louise Hay put a book out in the 80’s I think. It’s called “Heal Your Life”. It’s kind of a glossary of a lot of illnesses, aches and pains, back issues- even going into each vertebrae. It’s divided into columns- the first column is the illness, the second column is the Metaphysical or Spiritual meaning of that illness and the third column is a way to negate it- such as an appropriate affirmation. I used to get a kick out of Migraine- I don’t remember what the meaning of it is, but I do remember that one of the things she suggests is masturbation! I always thought if someone could do that in the middle of a migraine and achieve the end result, well that sucker ought to be gone!  I actually used to keep a copy of that book by my desk so that when anyone called in sick I’d have it handy to look up whatever it was that was bothering them.  It gave me a lot of insight to some of my employees.

Anyway, I did a search and found out some useful information. One site had an alphabetized list of things. As I scrolled down, the first that drew my eye was Addiction. The metaphysical meaning given was “lack of self love and avoiding to face your own fears”.  I can see that. Yep! Guess what was just a couple down from that?  You got it! Alcoholism!  Inability to accept yourself and/or your circumstances. Yes on that as well. And the big question for me is, when exactly did that start? As an infant? In the womb? I will say that I was adopted. Prearranged and my parents adopted me the same day I was born. It was never a secret and was explained to me by the reading of a book my parents had called “The Chosen One”.  I don’t think they could have loved me more if I had been born to them. I don’t want to get into the whole thing now, but I have worked on abandonment issues, spent a long time feeling like I was in the wrong family- all stuff anyone can go through. At the end of both of my parents life I was able to both acknowledge and embrace them for who they were and what they gave me. But, I still had lots to think about as far as that Alcoholism definition went.

Finally I get to the GERD or Acid Reflux definition. (I also realize that because I came across the 2 previous definition, they are all 3 connected).

Conflict and fear. Of what? What I think I’ve determined is this: I’m in a kind of in between time. I’m not drinking and I’m only 6 months -last Thursday- sober. So while in reality, I am much the same person in many ways- I also have this feeling of fragility. For instance, here I am in a place that I have only known drinking. Not drunk 24/7 but drinking was always a big part of being here. Even when I lived here. And, as this is a tourist spot, there are people drinking everywhere! From early in the morning til late.  I take my little beach chair every day and sit under the same palm tree. It’s a great location and it’s also right next to a high end resort which has waiters at n the beach for their guests. And when the guests order a drink, they don’t come in plastic cups. Oh no! They come in the appropriate glass. So the other morning around 9:30 am I watched a couple take their chilled flutes of Champagne into the sea with them.  And, while I wasn’t challenged I felt… Nostalgic? Longing? Something kind of like missing out.  And that’s happened a couple of times since I’ve been here. Last night, getting ready to cook a lobster tail, I started thinking about wine. Also thought about getting some for a sauce- which I do at home and it’s not a problem. But, I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea. So I went through my list of all the ugly baggage that goes along with drinking and let it go. Had a lemonade in a nice wine glass  and was totally chill.

I’ve decided this is my fear as well as my conflict. Not drinking, but the conflict between the old- which is quickly fading and whatever is coming. It’s only the illusion that’s attractive- not the reality.  So, I find myself a bit at odds at times. It’s kind of wierd.

Oh! And since beginning this internal search of the Spiritual meaning of Acid Reflux, it’s gone away.. at least for now.

With love