Here I am at day 143-which I grant is a big thing. And, while some things have improved in just the past couple of week-my sleep pattern-my “poop” pattern (no offense)-I’m just not feeling it!
What’s “IT”? you might ask.. I don’t really know. I guess I just thought by now I’d be feeling great! Fantastic! Jumping out of bed in the morning and excited to greet the day. But, I’m not.
I keep reminding myself to be patient with myself. To have patience with this healing process. To be patient with learing to live in a different way. It’s hard.
In tandem with my post on “What’s New?”, I’m realizing that some things just aren’t working for me anymore. I’m not talking about drinking itself. I’m at a stage where I really don’t want any type of stress. I’ve catered for years. Trying to quit for years. Yes, I do see the parallel to the drinking..It’s kind of the same. I’ve always said the food business is like a very dysfunctional relationship.. And that if a person had that in them, it was hard to get away. I have a big event this weekend. A wedding. I really do not like doing weddings. Never have and never really focused on trying to get that business. And here I am with one-a big one coming up. With all of the things I hate about doing a wedding-the uneducated client who has never had anything catered and so has to have their hand held the whole way. The unrealistic “Miss Thang” being the young bride to be who has absolutely no clue as to money, logistics, etc. And also, most times, has a dynamic going on with her mother.(who doesn’t?) Then there’s the “event planner” at the facility who has no more idea of what it really takes to make an event go off well then pretty much anybody else. While this person may be able to come up with a diagram of a seating chart, they have never worked both ends of the stick-and they never seem to be around when there’s a real issue. Or letting me know that the new kitchen really isn’t finished-meaning not ovens, no sink not work tables! Jeez!
Of course when you pair food with money, that creates a whole other dynamic..And, then there’s the staff that’s working the event. Now I have to say, I have an amazing roster of talented, conscientious people. The problem with this is that at times, there’s a lot of ego involved with everyone thinking their way is the best. Of course as far as I’m concerned, there’s only one way and that’s my way! I just want everyone to get along for the 6-8 hours that we’re together with the common goal of getting the job done and making the client happy.
I wasn’t intending to go off like this! But, the thing is I really think that I’m finally done with not only weddings, but any kind of big event. While drinking regularly-ha-every day! I seemed to just handle it. Now, it’s really uncomfortable for me and frankly, I don’t like the physical aspect of it anymore. Or the challenge of making it all work, even at my expense. So, this is a big thing. I’ve been leading up to this for years.
In the midst of all of this I really started to have intense feelings of anxiety.. I didn’t think much about drinking. But I was kind of wishing I had a Xanax around. But I know that’s just a whole other can of worms! So, I’m in it and will get through it and everyone will be happy at the end of the day. And, I’ll be done! Really! This time I’m really going to quit!
On another note, I had my first drinking dream last night! Don’t remember all of it, but I had a glass of Champagne in my hand and took a sip. I was horrified! Didn’t finish the glass. So, I’m thinking that way deep down in my sub-conscious I get it! I hope so. I do know it’s something to never take for granted.
And so, if anyone has some insight of what to expect around this time in my quest for a new way of being, I would certainly appreciate it.
Offered with Love, Hope and lots of deep breathing