Fluidity and the Fog of If Only

Well, well, well!  It’s been a really long time since I last posted!! I don’t really have an excuse-and I have been reading other blogs…

So, let’s see!  I’m still sober. As a matter of fact I am-wait let me check!  1113 days sober!!!  That would be 3 years and a few days! Who’d have thought?  Not me-at least at one time.  It’s funny isn’t it?  You (or I) spend so much time agonizing while drinking about stopping -really just getting through one day with no booze that you (I) don’t really think about what it’s like to not drink. To have stopped.  Oh, we all read other people’s blogs telling us how much better things are without the ball and chain of alcohol addiction to deal with. But until you (I) actually begin and continue to live that way, it’s all kind of just “out there” in the fog of “if only”!  Well, I am here to tell you that it’s been three years-and while I haven’t regretted my decision I will say that for me, it’s been a gradual kind of growth.  I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’ve had so much therapy in my life or who knows.. Of course the thing that needs to be said is that the one MAJOR change is the angsting or lack of angsting.. I had my first real major craving recently.. I’d had a super frustrating day trying to deal with something on the computer-just a variety of things-and I looked at my SO and exclaimed,”now this really makes me want to drink!” But it passed and I didn’t.  And forgot about it. And, that was that.

So, there’s good days, great days and shitty days.  I suppose that’s called life. Things change, they shift.  It’s all fluid-if you allow it to be.  And so, in writing this, it makes me think of the word “fluidity”-and while I’ve never chosen a word for the year before, I think I’ll choose one this year.  Actually, when I think about it, I’m a water sign-so it makes perfect sense that this word would come to me.  And, to be honest, it’s something I could use a little work on. FLUIDITY..

Okie dokie! And so, I still hate the politics here and the asshole in the White House.  I am constantly haranguing my 2 state senators for being the douche bags they are.  Of course I put that as civilly as I can and have even had a couple of my letters to them published in the local paper.  My relationship with my SO is good and always a work in progress- I’m healthy, I’m safe and I have a roof over my head.

Lots of things that were so important to me while I was drinking and in the time after quitting, just don’t seem so important now.  For instance, working out.  I was a maniac.  Loved and hated it.  I think in part it made me feel like I was in control.. Now? I’d rather go on a long walk with my dog-or on a beach.  I’m still careful of what I eat-although have not and will not give up ice cream or coffee!!  I sleep really well some nights and not so good others.  I guess I’m a little more comfortable with who I am and where I am in my life. I’m seeing that life is often a discovery that our pre-conceived ideas of who we are or where we should be in life are at times, illusions. How sometimes, the illusion can block the even better reality. Illusion can also harm the reality.  I think that for me, I’m reconciling who I am now with who and where I always thought I’d be at this point in my life.  Maybe this comes with my age-62! Shit! Don’t know how that happened!!! Although, in retrospect, it’s pretty amazing that with all of the stupid things I did when I was younger that I’m here at all!

And so, that’s it..wanted to check in for whatever that’s worth to anyone. Actually, it’s worth something to me. I’m realizing that I’ve missed writing and checking in.

With love



Self Serve

When I was thinking about what to write about today,  I had this kind of split second flash that “I used to be a drinker”.  And almost couldn’t quite believe it.  I mean there are so many people that have so much more sober time than me.  But even so, in some ways, there’s a big disconnect between “then” and “now”.  Time wise, not so much- 2 3/4 years- or 32 months. 32 Months!! Wow! When I think of it like that, it doesn’t seem like that much.  But oh! It’s a lifetime.  I could list all of the positive things that have happened with this 32 month change of life.  But that would feel redundant. I mean, I’ve written about them as have so many people- much more eloquently than I.  However, having said that, I  have noticed a few things.  The first being that I’m really glad not to be drinking during this time of political upheaval here in the U S of A.  I’d be ranting (more than I do if that’s possible) and probably having crying jags every few days.  But there’s something else, and while I’m not sure it has to do with my sobriety, it might.                                                            It’s hard for me to articulate, because it’s so subtle. At least to me.                                         So, if you’ve read much of my blog (and I apologize for not writing more often recently) you know that I followed a dream and lived in the Mexican Caribbean for a time.  And while I moved back, because it was the right thing to do at that point, I still had a deep love for that little island that I used to live on.  I still continued to visit it when I could and keep in touch with some of the remaining friends that I have there. So, this past July I decided to go visit.  Mainly because my SO needed to go to London for the sale of a house he owns.  He didn’t want me to go with him because he didn’t want me giving him directions on how to clean out said house, attic, etc. Moi???  Ha!  So, I decided that I needed a break from all the crazy here-all the news-all of the awareness that there are so many people that are really fucked up making laws as that effect me and millions.  So, I decided that I was going to Mexico.  A budget trip. Well guess who wanted to come? My SO!  I was stunned as he doesn’t really like it there.  I was clear that I was only contributing so much and anything else he was going to have to pay for.  We weren’t doing anything fancy that might appeal to his London lifestyle esthetic.  He agreed.  So off we went to Mexico.  For 10 days.  We did decide to spend the last night in Cancun where we did all the fancy shmancy stuff he likes. I like it too-just wasn’t what I was thinking of in the beginning.  And, here’s the thing, by that last night I was ready to leave that little island.   That place that had been a part of me for so long.  The place that I thought was “the home of my soul”.  The place that gave me solace in bad times.  That place that I was in love with longer than any other relationship I’ve ever been in.  It didn’t do it for me anymore.  The love affair was over.  Yes, it had changed some in the 2 years since I’d been there-and not in a good way.  Not for me anyway.  Without listing all of the changes, let it suffice to say that for me, the energy no longer gave me the same feelings that it has for the past 30 or so years.  I was hyper aware of an almost constant party vibe.  Much of the cultural draw for me has been lost.  Have you ever seen that movie, “The Beach”? About a hedonistic place in Thailand?  That’s what it felt like to me.  I fell out of love.  (Funnily, my SO liked it more this trip than any other!  But he got what I was saying.)  And while there have been numerous things that have changed-as well as a huge growth in their tourism because of the likes of TripAdvisor, it was an undercurrent of something that just didn’t feel right for me.                                                                                                                                                  Would I have felt this if I’d continued to drink these past 32 months?  I don’t really know. Maybe-at least a little. But as much as that little island has changed, I think the main thing is I’ve changed!  And it’s been so ongoingly gradual, I haven’t really noticed.  I guess it was kind of like when you’re going to see the person you dated for years in college or an ex fiancée and then realize that there was absolutely no reason to get nervous-they’re not who you’d want to be with.  I feel lucky to have lived on that island when I did and to know it before it turned into whatever it is now. Lucky to have followed a dream of mine.  And grateful for all that it gave me.  But now, it no longer serves me.                                                                                                                                                            It no longer serves me.                                                                                                               Now there’s some words.  Kind of like-or exactly like- drinking my nights away. So here’s the thing to think about-and as I write this it’s not so much for you but a reminder to myself.  The goal is to have the consciousness to ask ourselves if something is going to serve us.  Is it something that will enhance our lives or something that will impair our lives?  Are we doing things to help our healing process along and enable us to live at our fullest potential?  Are we allowing ourselves to truly feel all of our emotions, all of our pain and discomfort as well as our joy?  Are we experiencing our best self?  Are we open to overcoming our fear of being who we really are?  Not who we were told to be by our parents, or family members or other facets of society-but who we are at our core-where that Truth is always patiently waiting for us to embrace it, to own it.                                                                      So, don’t be afraid to acknowledge when something no longer serves you. Don’t be afraid to walk away from a situation that’s not enhancing your life.                                                     Will I ever go back to that little island? I don’t know-maybe. Not anytime soon. It served me so well, for so long. And now, that love affair is over.  One more breakup.