Just Being

Well! My SO and I drove to meet”the brothers” for lunch last week.

I can say it was interesting-in many, many ways. There were two of them.  And with one of them, I felt some kind of energetic connection from the get go.  The other one, not so much.  As soon as we sat down, the waitress came to take our drink order and to my surprise my SO ordered some beer that they were advertising on the table.  One of the brothers almost immediately said the neither one of them drank any more.  That they’d both been heavy drinkers from a young age.  Hmmm! Whaddaya know!  I didn’t respond to that. Anyway, we were there for like 3 1/2 hours!  They had put together a thumb drive with a jillion pictures on it-explaining who everyone was-with lots of my birth mother. There was no discomfort on my part or theirs for that matter.They were definitely more interested in filling me in about my “history” than hearing about my upbringing. I suppose that’s to be expected.  Actually, I don’t really know what is to be expected in this kind of situation.

As I think I may have said in my last post, I really wasn’t looking for a family thing.  And to be honest, it really found me. I tell you what!  If I hadn’t been given up for adoption, I would have been raised almost the polar opposite of how I was.

So, what did I take away? Of course, I talked about it the whole 2 hour drive back to Austin.  And I have to say my SO was very patient and open about that.  Anyway, I think one of the biggest things was my lack of feeling or connection while looking at ALL those photos. Even at the ones where I resembled someone.  I realized, that for me, memories are so important!  Before we went, I pulled out a box of old family photos mainly of me- my brother has his-throughout my life .  And just the memories that came up-the settings, the people.  All of that.  So looking at all of those “family” photos of my birth family without any memories to go with them, well, they didn’t really mean much.  There were lots of Christmas pictures-lots of lake pictures, lots of pictures taken in the country-one of a family reunion with a Confederate flag flying high in the background. Of course, if you’ve read any of my blog you know that I was raised in a Jewish family.  We didn’t hunt squirrel-certainly didn’t celebrate Christmas-none of that.  I don’t mean to diminish them-I think they have good memories of growing up.  It’s just stuff that I have never, ever resonated with.  Even while experiencing some of these things with friends growing up.  One of the brothers made, while maybe not an anti-Semitic remark-something that just didn’t sit right with me.  We were talking about prejudice and I was recounting how in the 8th grade the class bully came up to me and pretty much yelled out that I had killed Jesus.  Shit! I didn’t have a clue as to what the hell he was talking about! Anyway, the brother remarked that I didn’t have to worry about it because I wasn’t Jewish.  Was that anti-Semitic?  I’m not exactly sure, but it somehow felt like he meant it’s okay for people to bully others.  I can’t put it into words, but it’s really bothered me.  Like, it’s okay to put children in cages because they’re not mine and I’m not Latin American.  Anyway, I let it pass and didn’t react.  Even though I had told them that while I didn’t practice Judaism, culturally that’s what I identify with.  That’s in me and it’s not going away-nor would I want it to.

Another thing that became apparent while looking through the pictures is that everyone smoked and drank-a lot.  Supposedly the stepfather drank a lot.  My birth mother smoked  til she was 76.  Jeez!  It made me wonder if I’d even still be alive if I’d grown up in that environment.  I mean, I drank and drugged like a maniac living in a family where no one drank.  I mean when my parents had company, they put out a pitcher of tomato juice for God sake!

I don’t know.  I want to be clear here.  These people couldn’t have been more welcoming. I am in no way trying to diminish or demean them.  But at the same time, my feelings that I was raised with the people and the way I was supposed to be raised just got reinforced a hundred fold.  Ok, and now I’ll get a little metaphysical here.  Here goes.  I think that my parents were with an adoption agency.  They probably had ties all over the country.  They specified that they wanted a girl.  So, when I was born, they were contacted.  I have the original papers releasing me to my parents dated 2 days after my birth.  So, it was a last minute thing.. And because of that, my father couldn’t get off work.  So my mother-who had never been on an airplane before flew into Texas from Nebraska and got me.  She came alone.  And-here’s the vision part-as I was thinking on this the other day, I just got this intense vision of this almost visible bond of love that came from her and just surrounded me the first time she held me.  I’m sure that I was pretty fussy the first few weeks- of course I was! I’d been separated from my birth mother. But my mother-the woman who wanted a daughter so much that she would overcome her fears to get me, just enveloped me in a love that never knew any bounds. When I saw this, I just felt so very blessed.  And so extremely thankful that I have experienced the life I have.

I also touched on something in my last post that I would like to raise again.  I was wondering if all of this would have happened if I’d still been drinking.  Of course I’ll never know that-although I can certainly picture how I would have handled it if I was still knocking back the vino.  But I had said something about it maybe taking this long in my sobriety-almost 3 1/2years for some kind of energy to flow.  For some channels to open.  Yes, in these 3 1/2 years, things have been so much better.  Just not having hangovers or the mental anguish-all of that.  But while that was happening, I think some kind of clearing was going on.  Something that had been shut a very long time ago opened.  And so for anyone reading this, this is what I have to say to you.  Forget about all of my family stuff.  What I want you to know is that the longer you go without drinking, the more open the channels become-the current becomes stronger.  It goes from being a barely there dim light at the end of a very long tunnel to a strong free flowing energetic current that is YOU! The other day, a friend of mine wanted to know what I was doing.  She said I just seemed so powerful and so grounded.

“Just Being”, I said.

With Love

Fluidity and the Fog of If Only

Well, well, well!  It’s been a really long time since I last posted!! I don’t really have an excuse-and I have been reading other blogs…

So, let’s see!  I’m still sober. As a matter of fact I am-wait let me check!  1113 days sober!!!  That would be 3 years and a few days! Who’d have thought?  Not me-at least at one time.  It’s funny isn’t it?  You (or I) spend so much time agonizing while drinking about stopping -really just getting through one day with no booze that you (I) don’t really think about what it’s like to not drink. To have stopped.  Oh, we all read other people’s blogs telling us how much better things are without the ball and chain of alcohol addiction to deal with. But until you (I) actually begin and continue to live that way, it’s all kind of just “out there” in the fog of “if only”!  Well, I am here to tell you that it’s been three years-and while I haven’t regretted my decision I will say that for me, it’s been a gradual kind of growth.  I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’ve had so much therapy in my life or who knows.. Of course the thing that needs to be said is that the one MAJOR change is the angsting or lack of angsting.. I had my first real major craving recently.. I’d had a super frustrating day trying to deal with something on the computer-just a variety of things-and I looked at my SO and exclaimed,”now this really makes me want to drink!” But it passed and I didn’t.  And forgot about it. And, that was that.

So, there’s good days, great days and shitty days.  I suppose that’s called life. Things change, they shift.  It’s all fluid-if you allow it to be.  And so, in writing this, it makes me think of the word “fluidity”-and while I’ve never chosen a word for the year before, I think I’ll choose one this year.  Actually, when I think about it, I’m a water sign-so it makes perfect sense that this word would come to me.  And, to be honest, it’s something I could use a little work on. FLUIDITY..

Okie dokie! And so, I still hate the politics here and the asshole in the White House.  I am constantly haranguing my 2 state senators for being the douche bags they are.  Of course I put that as civilly as I can and have even had a couple of my letters to them published in the local paper.  My relationship with my SO is good and always a work in progress- I’m healthy, I’m safe and I have a roof over my head.

Lots of things that were so important to me while I was drinking and in the time after quitting, just don’t seem so important now.  For instance, working out.  I was a maniac.  Loved and hated it.  I think in part it made me feel like I was in control.. Now? I’d rather go on a long walk with my dog-or on a beach.  I’m still careful of what I eat-although have not and will not give up ice cream or coffee!!  I sleep really well some nights and not so good others.  I guess I’m a little more comfortable with who I am and where I am in my life. I’m seeing that life is often a discovery that our pre-conceived ideas of who we are or where we should be in life are at times, illusions. How sometimes, the illusion can block the even better reality. Illusion can also harm the reality.  I think that for me, I’m reconciling who I am now with who and where I always thought I’d be at this point in my life.  Maybe this comes with my age-62! Shit! Don’t know how that happened!!! Although, in retrospect, it’s pretty amazing that with all of the stupid things I did when I was younger that I’m here at all!

And so, that’s it..wanted to check in for whatever that’s worth to anyone. Actually, it’s worth something to me. I’m realizing that I’ve missed writing and checking in.

With love