Self Serve

When I was thinking about what to write about today,  I had this kind of split second flash that “I used to be a drinker”.  And almost couldn’t quite believe it.  I mean there are so many people that have so much more sober time than me.  But even so, in some ways, there’s a big disconnect between “then” and “now”.  Time wise, not so much- 2 3/4 years- or 32 months. 32 Months!! Wow! When I think of it like that, it doesn’t seem like that much.  But oh! It’s a lifetime.  I could list all of the positive things that have happened with this 32 month change of life.  But that would feel redundant. I mean, I’ve written about them as have so many people- much more eloquently than I.  However, having said that, I  have noticed a few things.  The first being that I’m really glad not to be drinking during this time of political upheaval here in the U S of A.  I’d be ranting (more than I do if that’s possible) and probably having crying jags every few days.  But there’s something else, and while I’m not sure it has to do with my sobriety, it might.                                                            It’s hard for me to articulate, because it’s so subtle. At least to me.                                         So, if you’ve read much of my blog (and I apologize for not writing more often recently) you know that I followed a dream and lived in the Mexican Caribbean for a time.  And while I moved back, because it was the right thing to do at that point, I still had a deep love for that little island that I used to live on.  I still continued to visit it when I could and keep in touch with some of the remaining friends that I have there. So, this past July I decided to go visit.  Mainly because my SO needed to go to London for the sale of a house he owns.  He didn’t want me to go with him because he didn’t want me giving him directions on how to clean out said house, attic, etc. Moi???  Ha!  So, I decided that I needed a break from all the crazy here-all the news-all of the awareness that there are so many people that are really fucked up making laws as that effect me and millions.  So, I decided that I was going to Mexico.  A budget trip. Well guess who wanted to come? My SO!  I was stunned as he doesn’t really like it there.  I was clear that I was only contributing so much and anything else he was going to have to pay for.  We weren’t doing anything fancy that might appeal to his London lifestyle esthetic.  He agreed.  So off we went to Mexico.  For 10 days.  We did decide to spend the last night in Cancun where we did all the fancy shmancy stuff he likes. I like it too-just wasn’t what I was thinking of in the beginning.  And, here’s the thing, by that last night I was ready to leave that little island.   That place that had been a part of me for so long.  The place that I thought was “the home of my soul”.  The place that gave me solace in bad times.  That place that I was in love with longer than any other relationship I’ve ever been in.  It didn’t do it for me anymore.  The love affair was over.  Yes, it had changed some in the 2 years since I’d been there-and not in a good way.  Not for me anyway.  Without listing all of the changes, let it suffice to say that for me, the energy no longer gave me the same feelings that it has for the past 30 or so years.  I was hyper aware of an almost constant party vibe.  Much of the cultural draw for me has been lost.  Have you ever seen that movie, “The Beach”? About a hedonistic place in Thailand?  That’s what it felt like to me.  I fell out of love.  (Funnily, my SO liked it more this trip than any other!  But he got what I was saying.)  And while there have been numerous things that have changed-as well as a huge growth in their tourism because of the likes of TripAdvisor, it was an undercurrent of something that just didn’t feel right for me.                                                                                                                                                  Would I have felt this if I’d continued to drink these past 32 months?  I don’t really know. Maybe-at least a little. But as much as that little island has changed, I think the main thing is I’ve changed!  And it’s been so ongoingly gradual, I haven’t really noticed.  I guess it was kind of like when you’re going to see the person you dated for years in college or an ex fiancée and then realize that there was absolutely no reason to get nervous-they’re not who you’d want to be with.  I feel lucky to have lived on that island when I did and to know it before it turned into whatever it is now. Lucky to have followed a dream of mine.  And grateful for all that it gave me.  But now, it no longer serves me.                                                                                                                                                            It no longer serves me.                                                                                                               Now there’s some words.  Kind of like-or exactly like- drinking my nights away. So here’s the thing to think about-and as I write this it’s not so much for you but a reminder to myself.  The goal is to have the consciousness to ask ourselves if something is going to serve us.  Is it something that will enhance our lives or something that will impair our lives?  Are we doing things to help our healing process along and enable us to live at our fullest potential?  Are we allowing ourselves to truly feel all of our emotions, all of our pain and discomfort as well as our joy?  Are we experiencing our best self?  Are we open to overcoming our fear of being who we really are?  Not who we were told to be by our parents, or family members or other facets of society-but who we are at our core-where that Truth is always patiently waiting for us to embrace it, to own it.                                                                      So, don’t be afraid to acknowledge when something no longer serves you. Don’t be afraid to walk away from a situation that’s not enhancing your life.                                                     Will I ever go back to that little island? I don’t know-maybe. Not anytime soon. It served me so well, for so long. And now, that love affair is over.  One more breakup.






Control Zone

I’m feeling like I need to check in-for whatever that may be worth to anyone.  I suppose it’s mainly for me-to feel connected. In many ways, there’s really not much going on with me..other than being aware of an undercurrent of stress due to the political situation here. I don’t want to harp on it here-but it’s extremely disheartening to witness what is going on in this country-on so many levels. I do my fair share of contacting my representatives-so much so that half the time I’m afraid that they’re gonna come get me! To be honest, as I’m in Texas with 2 of the most vile congressmen, I don’t really know what good it does, but I have to do something..

Which brings me to something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately-CONTROL..I try not to be a control freak, but at times, I am.  When I tell my SO he’s doing something wrong, he says, “no, I’m not doing it the way YOU want me to.”  Right! As I said, he’s doing it wrong:). Like it really makes a difference if he foams his milk for a Cappucino differently than I do! So, there’s that kind of “controlling”.  Another kind shows itself when food is involved. Like when several foodies go out to eat and ordering becomes a HUGE deal. And God help the poor waitperson if they’re not totally versed in their offerings! Shoot, it starts before ordering- just picking the place can be extremely involved.  Years ago, when I first moved to a new place and made some new friends, I consciously decided not to be so picky when going out-it was more about the company..

But I’m talking about the BIG kind of control.  Like of life. Letting life unfold.  This is sometimes hard for me.  Well, more than sometimes if I’m honest..And the thing is, that time after time, I can see that by waiting and not controlling, things work out sometimes better than I ever envisioned. I learned this when I was catering.  I would tell clients-usually nervous brides-that while timelines are good and important, each event, once started takes on a fluidity of its’own.  I sounded SOOO professional.. So on top of it all. But I forget this in my own life on a daily basis.

Control is an illusion.  Women-and some men- wear Spanx.  You know, those underwear things that squeeze you into something, they are horribly uncomfortable and unless you wear a full Spanx body suit, it just pushes the gush up to the nearest part that’s not covered. Celebrities are famous for wearing these; sometimes wearing several pairs over each other-even the skinny ones do this! I tried wearing some a few times and then decided, “ screw this!”- even going into a bathroom in the middle of a fancy lunch in a very swanky hotel to rip them off and throw them into the bin for sanitary napkins! What a relief that was! And, I was still able to get my pants closed up without them! Of course if this something that really makes you feel better about yourself-go for it. I’ll be honest here- I wear makeup-get my hair colored-Botox at times—makes me feel better about myself..

There are many things that we can and should control- such as the speed we drive at-or our alcohol intake or how much sugar we eat or fat or meat…And there’s help if we need it in controlling some of these things. Usually when we get those things under control, we feel better-sometimes we look better.  Being in control and being controlling are two different things. And let’s be honest, there’s a lot in this thing called life that we are just not in control of.  A therapist once told me that the most controlling people are the ones that are the most out of control internally.  And I can see that.  But, for me, it’s so hard to just let things unfold.  Immediate gratification, I want.

So, for me, it’s a constant learning to not only give up control, but to roll with the flow. Shit happens.  Sometimes it’s unexpectedly good and sometimes not so good. And sometimes, horrific.  Life is going to flow and ebb and ebb and flow no matter what frame of mind we’re in. Rigidity  it seems like a lot of effort. It also seems like it’s exclusive. Meaning that if we become too rigid, we won’t allow change to occur.  We may be keeping out something way better than we ever dreamed of in our central control room.

With Love