Facial Wipes, Drinking Buddies and Hallelujah

It’s been awhile!  Since I’ve posted.  No particular reason.  Still not drinking-on day six hundred and something.  I don’t really check that very often anymore.  And, I don’t think about drinking very often.  What I do think about is IF I was still drinking. For example, the other night before going to bed I was too lazy to wash my face.  So I reached under the sink for some of those facial cleansing wipes.  Instead, I picked up a package of glass cleaning wipes.  The first thing I thought was how if I had been still drinking, and drunk-because I was always drunk before going to bed, I wouldn’t have noticed that I had the wrong wipes and would have used them.  Which of course would have been followed by me having a hissy fit.  Huge drama.

So, I’m just “perking along” as a friend of mine would say.  Cruising.  Oftentimes I wonder how did I continue to  do everything I did while living and planning everything around my next glass of wine…I would say that right now, I’m steady.  I suppose that there are some changes in me-for instance, I think overall, I’m much calmer.  Although I’ll admit, I still have my moments.   After all, I just quit drinking- I didn’t have a lobotomy!  I don’t know if I look better or if I’ve changed my body shape.  Some days I have a lot of energy and some days not so much.  I still yell at the TV when watching the news and still have huge issues with the political situation here in the U.S.  I’m still a liberal.  I’m in a good relationship with my SO and I know that he loves me deeply and I him.  I’m blessed with a nice space to live in. Sometimes I feel like I’m running around too much and other times I’m bored.  Every once in a while I think, “OH!, So this is what living without alcohol is like!”  It’s good, although I can’t say that I have a heightened sense of awareness.

Has my life changed?  Well yes! Of course it has. One thing in particular has stood out to me recently.  As I’ve mentioned, we’ve moved. To a condo community.  And, while I can’t say that I love it yet, I like it.  Some things more than others.  But overall, it’s a nice space, the grounds are beautiful, I like the area and everyone seems nice.  Of course, having a dog, I go on several “walkie” a day-usually a long one in the morning in the adjacent neighborhood and then later in the day, around the property.  One of the things I don’t particularly like is the fact that while every unit has a really nice patio area with some yard space, it’s all exposed.  Fenced, but with a wrought iron fence. What this means is that I can’t go out in my pajamas and just hang out-I feel it necessary to be more covered up when sitting outside than I would be inside-expecially since it’s still in the high 90″s here. It also means that while I’m out there everyone that walks by sees into my area-which means at times I have to chit chat when I might not feel like it.  Of course it also means that I can see into other people’s space and say hi to them while walking by.  There’s one neighbor-probably mid 40’s who sits out a lot-she’s got a dog and a really nice backyard space.  We always (me and Bentley) stop and say hi.  I’ve noticed that once a week, she’s got another friend over and they usually have a bottle or two of wine on the table.  She stopped by the other day and mentioned that since it was Wednesday, her friend was coming over-Wine Down Wednesday for them.  How her friend had mentioned maybe they should only drink one bottle of wine.  Yeah right! And to be honest, I’ve noticed some booze bottles in her recycling. The other evening, I met another neighbor. There’s a little trail at the back of the property, which is wooded and nice.  Of course there’s also exposed yards there too.  And one is really, really nice. It’s obvious that whoever lives there puts a lot of time, effort and love into it.  So, we were walking on the street in the front of the condo and a woman about my age was out there kind of tending to a pot plant.  She had a cigarette and a glass of wine in her hand.  I stopped and chatted to her for about 10 minutes.  Liked her.  As I was leaving, she kind of waved her wine glass and said, “My patio’s always opened anytime you want to stop by”.  I thanked her and we went on our way.  Now here’s the thing, if I’d still been drinking, I would become instant friends with these 2 women. To be honest, I don’t even know if they know each other.  I also don’t know if I would even like them.  But that wouldn’t matter would it?  Because we could be drinking buddies.  Now I’m not saying that either one of them have a drinking problem. Who knows?  But how many times have you hooked up with someone that you would NEVER have been friends with had you not been drinking?  God!  I picked some real doozies! All to support my habit!  To give me some kind of warped sense of validation. Having endless drunken conversations about someone else’s drama. Never reaching any kind of finality.  Just on and on and on. One happy hour after another after another.  In this case, because they live here, I’d probably go visit, knock back a bottle of wine and come home and try- Try- to act as if I’d just been for a neighborly visit. when in reality, it would just be an excuse for me to drink more alcohol.  Of course when I’d get home, I’d open a bottle of wine as if it was my first glass of the day and go on from there.

HOW THE FUCK DID I LIVE THAT WAY FOR SO LONG?????

And so, that’s the change. The BIG change.  Hallelujah!

With love…

 

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I’d Rather Be Home with My Dog

It’s kinda weird being in a pub on a Saturday night watching people drink and having a hot pink non alcoholic drink.  That’s what happened this last weekend when I decided to go with my SO to watch his soccer team play a friendly.  The Spurs supporters group always meet up at the same pub to watch the games.  Now most of the time, when it’s football (soccer) season, because of the time difference the games are usually early on Saturday or Sunday mornings-they can be as early as 6:00 a.m.  There’s no way I’m going to get dressed and sit in that place at 6 a.m.  Besides, I’m a die hard Chelsea fan and that group meets up in another pub.  Anyway, because it’s off season and Spurs are traveling and playing in the US the timeline fits and they were playing Juventus-my fav Italian team, so I agreed to go.  WHAT a bore! First of all, the game itself was boring.-Well, not for the Spurs fans, because they won, but even so, it was a boring game.  We sat at the bar and I told the cute, barely dressed bar-maid that I wanted something limey and non- alcoholic.  So she concocted something and it was really good.  I actually noticed her making herself one and then saw about 4 or 5 more being ordered from around the bar-so no feelings about missing out whatsoever.  As a matter of fact, after watching several people just order shot after shot, and drink after drink, coupled with the boring game, I told my SO I’d rather be with Bentley-my Doxie- and that I’d come back and pick him up later.  Which I did-and Bentley got lots of compliments.

What’s interesting is that if I’d been drinking, I would have been knocking them back too- and the game might-maybe-have been better for me.  When I lived in Mexico and I’d go out at night-which was a a lot when I first moved there, I had a little rule that I complied with.  If I had the thought, “I’d rather be home with my dogs” 3 times, I’d leave and go home. 3 times! The first time should have been enough but, no, I’d keep on drinking just to see if it all got better-or whatever it was I was looking/hoping for.

Why is it that we/I will keep on doing something when we know it’s not working for us?  Not just drinking-but staying in a relationship, staying in a job that we don’t like, whatever-there are tons of things that can fit that bill.  I get that there are times when it’s necessary to do something that we don’t like-say attending your SO’s award luncheon-which I do every year.  BORING!!! But that’s like 2 hours so I can just about stand it.  And, I can chit chat when I need to.  I think some of it is about a disconnectedness from our spirit.. I really believe that whatever it is you want to call it, our highest Self wants all the best for us.. Our highest Self doesn’t want us to abuse food, or booze or drugs or other people. For me at least, my highest Self scared the shit out of me!  So I did my best to squash it-drown it out.  But then, around 2:30-3:00 a.m. She’d show up.  Wake me up.  Whisper in my deepest part that I shouldn’t be drinking like I did.  Screaming at me to quit.  Telling me how much damage I was doing to both my physical and my mental state.  And, I’d promise Her that I’d quit. That day-or after my vacation or at the beginning of the New Year.  Over and over and over again.  She and I would go round and round and round.  I was always letting Her down.  Lying to Her.  Well, it wasn’t really lying, because by 4:00 in the afternoon, I’d forget that I’d ever made Her a promise. By the time I’d remember-about 3/4 of a bottle down, I’d remember. And we’d start all over again-doing our dance.  She trying to get me to be my best, purest Self.  And me being scared shitless of it all and wanting to numb it out.

She won.  And you know one way that was again confirmed to me?  Because the other night, the first time I thought,”I’d rather be home with my dog,” I got up and left.

With love