It’s kinda weird being in a pub on a Saturday night watching people drink and having a hot pink non alcoholic drink.  That’s what happened this last weekend when I decided to go with my SO to watch his soccer team play a friendly.  The Spurs supporters group always meet up at the same pub to watch the games.  Now most of the time, when it’s football (soccer) season, because of the time difference the games are usually early on Saturday or Sunday mornings-they can be as early as 6:00 a.m.  There’s no way I’m going to get dressed and sit in that place at 6 a.m.  Besides, I’m a die hard Chelsea fan and that group meets up in another pub.  Anyway, because it’s off season and Spurs are traveling and playing in the US the timeline fits and they were playing Juventus-my fav Italian team, so I agreed to go.  WHAT a bore! First of all, the game itself was boring.-Well, not for the Spurs fans, because they won, but even so, it was a boring game.  We sat at the bar and I told the cute, barely dressed bar-maid that I wanted something limey and non- alcoholic.  So she concocted something and it was really good.  I actually noticed her making herself one and then saw about 4 or 5 more being ordered from around the bar-so no feelings about missing out whatsoever.  As a matter of fact, after watching several people just order shot after shot, and drink after drink, coupled with the boring game, I told my SO I’d rather be with Bentley-my Doxie- and that I’d come back and pick him up later.  Which I did-and Bentley got lots of compliments.

What’s interesting is that if I’d been drinking, I would have been knocking them back too- and the game might-maybe-have been better for me.  When I lived in Mexico and I’d go out at night-which was a a lot when I first moved there, I had a little rule that I complied with.  If I had the thought, “I’d rather be home with my dogs” 3 times, I’d leave and go home. 3 times! The first time should have been enough but, no, I’d keep on drinking just to see if it all got better-or whatever it was I was looking/hoping for.

Why is it that we/I will keep on doing something when we know it’s not working for us?  Not just drinking-but staying in a relationship, staying in a job that we don’t like, whatever-there are tons of things that can fit that bill.  I get that there are times when it’s necessary to do something that we don’t like-say attending your SO’s award luncheon-which I do every year.  BORING!!! But that’s like 2 hours so I can just about stand it.  And, I can chit chat when I need to.  I think some of it is about a disconnectedness from our spirit.. I really believe that whatever it is you want to call it, our highest Self wants all the best for us.. Our highest Self doesn’t want us to abuse food, or booze or drugs or other people. For me at least, my highest Self scared the shit out of me!  So I did my best to squash it-drown it out.  But then, around 2:30-3:00 a.m. She’d show up.  Wake me up.  Whisper in my deepest part that I shouldn’t be drinking like I did.  Screaming at me to quit.  Telling me how much damage I was doing to both my physical and my mental state.  And, I’d promise Her that I’d quit. That day-or after my vacation or at the beginning of the New Year.  Over and over and over again.  She and I would go round and round and round.  I was always letting Her down.  Lying to Her.  Well, it wasn’t really lying, because by 4:00 in the afternoon, I’d forget that I’d ever made Her a promise. By the time I’d remember-about 3/4 of a bottle down, I’d remember. And we’d start all over again-doing our dance.  She trying to get me to be my best, purest Self.  And me being scared shitless of it all and wanting to numb it out.

She won.  And you know one way that was again confirmed to me?  Because the other night, the first time I thought,”I’d rather be home with my dog,” I got up and left.

With love